Not Right Now
by Drazaline
Summary: During their friendship, respect between the turian officer and human soldier had manifested greatly. It is this respect however which cause them to ignore growing feelings for one another, although both silently wonder how long they can really maintain this resistance. All the while, an ambitious Kaidan Alenko tries to win back his former lover. A Mass Effect 3 novel.
1. War Victim

**Hope you enjoy reading! I will be posting updates regulary.**

**No copyright intended, Bioware owns all. **

* * *

He saw her first.

Well, he saw the back of her anyway. She was shaking the hand of an impressively toned soldier whom he recognised as Lieutenant James Vega.

Kaidan let out an exasperated breath, he wanted to hide, but he wanted to stay. He wanted to see her, speak to her, comfort her... And yet, the unwavering doubts he'd had about the woman, about Cerberus, still freshly hung in his head. It was this reminder that finally gave him the formality to call her name.

"Shepard."

"Kaidan?" She glanced round without a moment's hesitance.

"How did it go in there Major?" Anderson asked, interrupting unspoken thoughts between the two.

As Kaidan watched Shepard move closer towards him, memory of the conversations he'd had two minutes ago suddenly found a deep place in his brain to scurry. "Erm, okay I think. Hard to tell." He desperately tried to resurface anything useful, distracted by that subtle half smile on his ex lover's face.

Shepard wondered in more amusement than annoyance, if the man was being careful not to divulge confidential information while she was around.

"I'm just waiting for orders now," he added.

This only fed Shepard's amusement.

The newly appointed Major and herself had shared a brief...relationship? She wasn't sure that term applied exactly, however it certainly did more for the self respect than say...fling. Often Shepard wondered if that's what it merely had been. Kaidan was always just there, right in front of her. They'd spent a year flirting, having fun, fighting along side each other. She'd felt warm when he was around, had liked him a lot. And hey, he was a damn fine specimen of soldier, dark hair, dark eyes, chiseled, so very chiseled... They had spent a couple of nights together, nothing more. Shepard had loved being held in those arms, his bottom lip stroking her neck... But then, he was gone and it was cold again. She did the only thing she knew how, dust herself off and move on, occasionally inserting self reminders of the realistic depth to what had been their 'relationship', although guiltily knowing it had always meant more to him.

"Well, we better go find out. Come on Shepard," Anderson ordered.

"See you, Shepard," Kaidan uttered.

"Major," she nodded.

The room was huge, bare mostly aside from the wall sized window overlooking Vancouver, the vid screens, and of course the erected bench on which the committee sat.

"Ahh, Commander Shepard," a pasty white woman, Shepard remembered only too well began.

"I no longer bear the privilege of that honour, remember?" Shepard recalled her own trial in this very room, being stripped of what was hers.

"Yes, I'm sure we will see to that in time, Comm...Shepard. But at the moment we really need you to focus."

Shepard's nails dug hard into her palm.

"We need you to take a look at something," a well aged man informed the former Commander, handing her information she herself had retrieved from the collector base a year ago.

Her palm started to bleed.

"Well?" pasty demanded after a moments silence. "What are they?"

"I think they may be creations of my imagination, come to kill us all. Why don't you tell me what you think they are?"

"Shepard," Anderson contained his smile enough to warn her a glance.

"Reapers," the male board member sighed. " I knew we should have listened. W...what should we do?"

The compassion in Shepard arose, momentarily pushing aside her anger. These people had ignored her, mocked her, given her pointless assignments while the real threat gained strength. And yet, she felt pity for them. No one wants to hear the words: X bad thing will happen to you if you do not do X inconvenient thing now. So we bury our heads, hope for the best, and pay the price if we're wrong.

A cracked windscreen.

A flood warning.

The end of all life.

"Everything!" Shepard exclaimed, voice raised. "We do everything. Every resource, every weapon, every soldier, every species! Gathering these things is, and believe me when I tell you this, our very last and very singular hope. We have wasted SO much time."

"Agreed. Although I hardly think we shall be involving the other races in this matter," pasty insisted.

Shepard's anger was back.

"Sorry to interrupt Ma'am," a young, uniformed soldier came running in addressing pasty. "We have a visual on UK headquarters."

The screen depicted images of chaos, death and Reapers, a lot of Reapers. Even Shepard stood stunned, hairs pricking the back of her neck, and she'd prophesied this day for years. Nothing prepares you for such barbarism.

"It doesn't make sense, why haven't we heard from Admiral Hackett?" Anderson asked no one in particular. "Come on Shepard, lets get to the Normandy, move!"

No sweeter words had touched her ears.

"And what are we to do?" pasty demanded.

"Shepard's already told you, it's your choice now," Anderson lashed.

The room darkened, bringing all present to a silence. There it was, perching down on Vancouver city, blocking out the sun.

"What the..." pasty started, turning toward the window. "But our defences! How were they breached?"

Shepard saw the familiar glow of red begin to build up from the Reapers middle. She knew what was coming. "It's about to fire, move now!" She heard the sharp non organic noise behind her, felt the heat on her back. The explosion threw her hard against a wall. She slumped to the floor. For a second she thought the bash to the head might knock her out, but she opened her eyes and let them adjust back to colour.

"Shepard! You okay?" Anderson pulled the young woman to her feet. He looked her over, briefly displaying his fatherly affection before shoving a pistol in her hand and instructing her to follow him.

She took in the mess of corpses that lay all around them. There was movement. The female committee member. Shepard knelt down and took the pasty woman's white hand.

"Hold on, someone's bound to be here soon with medi-gel."

"No...its okay...I don't...think there's time."

Shepard realized she didn't even know this woman's name. "Someone will be here," she reaffirmed.

"Sorry...Commander Shepard."

The lessons we need the most are the lessons we learn too late. Being an ostrich, your head warm in the sand, as peaceful a life as that maybe, it is a fake one. To ignore reality is to ignore yourself bleeding out. And so, the mythical monsters believed only to reside in one spectre's brain were a reality. Her imaginary monsters had crawled out from under the bed and killed these people. Death was now their only reality.

Shepard closed the woman's eyelids after hearing her exhale for the last time.

"We'll win," she vowed.

* * *

"Major? Major Alenko come in, we're losing signal on this damn thing!" Anderson yelled.

"These things are different," Shepard shouted, shooting another one between the eyes.

"Look the same to me," Anderson replied, taking a look at the newly dead husk laid at his feet.

"No, they've been upgraded, more metal than meat." She scoped another two escaping up the roof. "Damn it, I'm out of ammo."

"Me too, hit them."

"Great."

The smell of husk is not something that can be ignored. Shepard remembered only to well the times she had spent defacing her skin trying to scrub off the stench. She hoped maybe their new partially sentient bodies would defer the reek.

No such luck.

She punched one hard, knocking it out cold, her muscles glad of the action after so long in confinement. Another grabbed her arm. She pulled her other fist back to take it out quick. Its arm caught her wrist. Her face had never been so close to one of these monsters, the odour was horrific. It screeched a roar, she struggled to loosen its grip. It bit through the flesh of her arm. "Damn it!" She leaned back and kicked full force at its middle. It fell down, she stabbed her boot through its mechanics.

"Well, I think that one's dead," she exhaled.

"Looks like that's the last of them for now," Anderson said. "Come on, lets rest up in that building for a minute."

* * *

The two sat, sharing a bottled water left by whomever had lived here. They observed the wreckage in front of them, over turned beds, ripped out appliances, toys...This wasn't fair.

Shepard's hair stroked her face as she leant back swigging the much needed refreshment. She flicked a strand from her eye to observe the teeth marks on her arm. It had stopped bleeding now. Shepard had a high tolerance for pain, (Something that had been a Heaven send over the years) so she was surprised by the level of discomfort the bite was inducing.

"As soon as we rendezvous with Alenko and the Normandy we're heading straight for the Council," Anderson informed. "They're our best means of help now."

"The 'best means of help' haven't exactly been generous with it in the past."

"They have no choice now, none of us do. Besides I'm hoping your Spectre status might count for something."

Shepard nodded. Although both soldiers silently knew this would count for absolutely nothing. "So when did Kaidan become Major Alenko?"

"You're surprised?" Anderson asked.

"Honestly?"

"Shepard." He threw her a 'stop letting your personal feelings of the man you once bedded undermine his promotional authority over you' look. "He's a good soldier, he's earned his position. Besides he's always been loyal to the Alliance."

_Kick in the teeth_

"I suppose I haven't seen him in action for a while," Shepard admitted, embarrassingly hoping the Admiral didn't think she was trying to make some sort of innuendo.

"He currently outranks you now you know?" he grinned.

"Yup."

"Lets put that right." Anderson handed Shepard her old dog tags. "Commander."

And all was right with the world, well..except the impending destruction of every man, woman and child of course.

Anderson listened in on his ear piece. "Kaidan that you? Yeah...Uh huh...Gotcha. Come on Shepard they're waiting for us."

Flutters jumped in Shepard's stomach. She was about to return to the Normandy, she was about to return home. She wondered who would be there, idly fantasizing about being greeted by her former friends. The likelihood was miniscule. The Commander had made sure each of her team had been dropped off at there varying places so as to not be implemented in her 'terrorist' deeds before handing herself in.

"Hurry Shepard," Anderson shouted already out the room.

She held back a moment to place the water somewhere safe, should some other poor soul need it. She heard crying. It lead her to a small vent on the wall. "Hey, what are you doing in there?" she spoke softly to the boy.

"H...hiding," he sniffed, unaware of whether this woman was here to help him or to take him to the monsters.

"It's okay. What's your name?"

It's...Elliott Jones."

"Elliott, my name's Shepard, we need to get you out of there, OK?"

"Shepard? That's a funny name." The blue eyed boy gave a single laugh through his sniffles.

"Yes it is," Shepard smiled. "Come on, lets go find your Mom."

"I was out playing, I came back to find her but everybody was gone."

A chill ran down Shepard's spine. The toys... This was his home.

" I think I saw you earlier. Were you playing with a space ship?"

"Y...yeah, I have it here." His tiny hands pulled out the plastic model from his pocket.

"Wow, that looks awesome. You like Ships, Elliott?"

"Um hum." His face started to lighten.

"Well you know, I'm just on my way over to the Normandy."

"The Normandy, the real one?"

"Yeah, the real one," she laughed "But it's going to leave soon. You can come with me but we have to go quickly, okay?"

He hesitated before slowly crawling forward, his instincts told him he could trust the soft spoken woman. "I've always, always, always wanted to go on the Normandy, it's the second thing I wanna do the most in the whole Universe."

"What's the first?"

"Meet Archangel."

A smile and ache came to Shepard all at once.

_Please be alive Garrus._

_Be spraying walls with reaper blood somewhere, waiting for me to join you, so you can say the four words that get me going like no others do._

_Just like old times._

"Well who knows, I might be able to grant both your wishes. Come on you."

His hand almost reached hers, when the unmistakable sound of Reaper thundered from behind. She turned a second to see the giant Machine march past the opening. They hadn't been detected.

"Elliott, wait! Where are you going?"

"I'm sorry...I..just..can't...I'm too scared, I just wanna find my Mom," he cried backing up and out of Shepard's sight.

"Elliott, I can help you, please come back."

"Shepard, what are you doing? We gotta move now!" Anderson yelled.

"I..." She looked deep into the vent, he was gone.

"Coming," she sighed.

It didn't take them long to reach the Normandy. Shepard ran to it, much like the way a puppy would after missing its master all day.

She was home.

"Here." Kaidan offered his hand very unnecessarily to help her up the ramp.

"Thanks," she muttered.

"Good luck Commander!" Anderson called out.

"Wait, your not coming?"

"You know the situation, I have to get things on this side sorted, and fast. You've got every other damn side to get sorted, so get moving Shepard. Start with the Council!"

Leaving behind her old captain on a deteriorating planet was not something she'd ever thought she'd have to do. "I'll be back for you," she swore. "And I'll bring every fleet there is."

"I know child," he spoke softly before nodding and heading to his own pick up shuttle.

"Lets go Shep...Commander I mean, sorry Ma'am," Kaidan sputtered.

She gleamed.

_That's right Kaidan, your Cerberus loving, terrorist, former bed buddy is once again your Commander_.

She knew it must be killing him inside. "No problem Major," she winked, she couldn't help it. "Just don't let it happen again."

"Aye aye Ma'am," he replied, not sure how to take her.

The Commander took one last look at her crumbling home world and prayed she was making the right decision. Citizens being rushed towards evacuation shuttles, the elderly, expectant mothers, children and then that little face she recognised, little Elliott Jones scrambling into his shuttle.

Their eyes met.

He waved.

The door closed.

The Reaper hit.

And just like that little Elliott Jones became a war victim.


	2. Welcome Home

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**Hope you enjoy, thank you for reading.**

* * *

"That's bull! He wouldn't just order us to go."

Shepard was not in the mood.

"That's what happened James," she spoke quietly.

"Well you can drop me off, because I'm not leaving. In case you hadn't noticed our people are getting slaughtered out there."

Shepard's eyes stung, warning her of how dangerously close to tears she had become. Over the years it had been impossible for her not to have seen innocence suffer, but no image was to haunt her quite so significantly as the one just witnessed.

Little Elliott Jones.

A little life gone.

A little life let down by her.

Her stomach tightened into a sickening knot. The Commander could not stay silent indefinitely. She had to retain her former stance, lest any emotion diminish faith in the minds of her fellow soldiers. One tear is all it would take to have her authority discredited. When days are as dark as these, you do not want to be following a human into hell. You want..no..need to be following perfection, a God among men, a soul even death itself could not contain. You need to be following Commander Shepard.

Rule number one of the Human into God rule book: All sorrow must be conceived as anger.

She slammed her hands hard on the panel in front of her. Surprising even Kaidan, who had rarely seen the woman directing rage towards one of her own. "Zip it Lieutenant! You want to stay and kill a couple hundred husks before your inevitably overrun, be my guest. The rest of us intend on using our brains to fight this war not on being gunned grunts."

Rule number 2**:** Anger itself must be limited and kept within a professional level. Excessive outbursts are humanly qualities.

Shepard's tone mellowed. "If you want to honour Admiral Anderson, like I do, then you'll stick around. If not, you can catch a ride back when we get to the Citadel."

He stared her down.

Rule number 3: Never back down.

"Whatever," the Lieutenant huffed before storming off.

"Kaidan," she addressed the Major, realising they were now the only two in the shuttle bay.

"Yes Ma'am?"

"I'm going to take a shower and change out of this damn uniform, I need you to make the crew aware of our plans. Also tell Edi to inform me the second we hear from Anderson or Hackett."

"Of course Commander."

She lingered for a second. They both tried and failed to diminish the awkwardness between them. A lot of time had passed by since they were alone in a room together. Shepard made mental note of the fact she must address this shared animosity at some point. She would talk to Kaidan in time and probably with some amount of liquid courage.

* * *

The hot water gratefully soothed her skin as she rinsed the remaining conditioner from her hair. She dried herself off and opened up her clothes drawers, appreciating the knowledge of never having to wear that uncomfortable leathery detention centre uniform again. She pulled on plain black underwear, matching bra, a snug black tank top and some grey jogger bottoms.

She sprawled on her bed having missed the firmness of it. It was good to be home.

"Welcome back Shepard."

"Edi, that you?"

"Yes Shepard, as it happens, I am still the only AI on board."

"Good to know."

"Do you require privacy Shepard?"

"I was just taking a minute before we reach the Citadel, that's all."

"Very well, I shall continue our interchange at a more convenient time."

"Good, It'll be nice to catch up."

"I'm afraid I will bear nothing of substantial relevance in which to discuss."

"Anything unsubstantial?"

"Jeff has had his hair cut."

"Maybe not quite that unsubstantial."

"I shall research unsubstantial topics of which appeal to human interest for when I return."

"Okay Edi," the Commander smiled "Oh, before you leave, is there anybody in the crew lounge?"

* * *

Shepard tilted the clear liquid around in its glass.

_Vodka lemon, natures sweetest poison._

She silently sipped the last of her second drink. It felt good to be alone, it was an ambiance she'd grown accustomed to over her time spent as a detainee. She'd struggled to adjust at first, life had been so loud with Cerberus.

Miranda and Jack screaming at one another.

Edi and Joker arguing over the correct way in which to pilot the Normandy.

Tali's little bursts of excitement following something new and fantastical she'd discovered about the drive core.

Zae'ed recounting war stories to anyone who'd listen (himself mainly.)

Grunt's booming laughter over some new and violent information he'd recently discovered regarding the killing of turians.

Garrus constantly and continually testing out his newly calibrated weapons (No matter what time of night that may be.)

Legion commenting on everything and everyone.

Jacob and his exercise routine "997, 998, 999, 1000!"

Kasumi amusing herself jumping Shepard from the shadows.

Samara's biotic practices.

Thane's martial art practices.

And perhaps the biggest headache came from Mordin being...well...Mordin.

She wished the best of all them but especially those whom had been closest to her. She hoped she'd have the chance to fight alongside these ones again soon, but for now she lapped up the delightful silence.

That was until the lounge door swooshed open.

"Commander? I didn't think anyone was in here," Kaidan remarked startled. He had in fact not cared for his privacy at all, the room could be full of Soldiers for all it bothered him, just not Shepard. He'd heard others cheering this past hour, ecstatic over her return. He'd wondered guiltily why he of all people didn't feel the same way. Every time he thought about her, about how beautiful she was, how contagious her laugh had been, how good she could make him feel, how much he'd once loved her, there was always a hole, a little niggling crack where unconditional should be but instead lay wary. He only imagined what she must feel for him.

Shepard knew Kaidan couldn't just turn around and pretend he'd been looking for the bathroom, as much as they both wanted him to. They were going to have to at least attempt a little small talk. "Take a seat Major."

She watched the man move round the bar and pour himself a whisky. The scent of his cologne reminded her of thoughts not hers to have any more. He was wearing jeans and a tight fitting black top outlining that chisel she had once adored.

"Another?" he gestured towards Shepard's empty glass.

"I'll have what you're having," she nodded.

As he poured, Kaidan noticed the nasty bite on her arm. He knew it was no longer his place to express concern.

He took a seat two bar stools from her, three would be rude, one would be inappropriate.

"They de-Cerberised the ship," the man murmured after an incredibly slow minute ticked by.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, the Alliance spent two months searching and stripping every inch, got rid of the surveillance equipment and tech, even the original furniture. Anything that held a Cerberus logo is gone, not to mention the crew."

She sighed. Of all the things he could have chosen to break the ice, he chooses the one topic that's bound to cause tension.

_How about and old fashioned 'how are you Shepard? No, no really how are you? Can I do anything to make you feel more at home? Oh and it must've been just awful being locked up like that. Why don't you come sit on old Kaidan's knee and tell me all about it. Also have I mentioned what a douche bag I was on Horizon?'_

"I'm sure we'll all sleep better tonight," she mocked.

"I hardly think its something to joke about Commander."

She looked at him breaking the absence of real eye contact since being aboard. A small but indisputable shiver combed through her. How much she could just punch him, bear her heart of the resentment he'd left. Or how just as easily she could kiss him, slam his back against the wall, feel the rough texture of his hands on her skin once more. She idly wondered if he would mind.

Or perhaps she was just very, very tipsy.

And he was just very, very hot.

She decided against either reaction for now, beating and sexually harassing your soldiers generally does not do well for their morale. Nor do such things correspond with sed Godly handbook.

"Shepard, I have just received word from Admiral Hackett."

"Go ahead Edi."

_Go right ahead._

"He has requested redirection of our current course. There is an Alliance base in the Mars archives in urgent need of retrieval. I'm afraid the rest of the message was unclear."

_Damn it, shouldn't have had those last two drinks_.

"Thanks Edi, I better make preparations."

"Commander." Kaidan rose to his feet as Shepard headed towards the door, almost instinctively grabbing her arm but very quickly thinking better of it.

"Yes Kaidan?"

There was so much he wanted to say. He wanted the truth about her employment under Cerberus. He wanted to know how she could ally herself with human supremacists when it was her who'd always professed alien equality. He wanted to know if the memory of him and her would just always be that now. He wanted to tell her he still cared.

But certainly none of these things would be spoken without consequence.

"Welcome home."


	3. Things are Different Now

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**Bioware owns all. No copyright intended.**

* * *

Was he really about to accuse her of this? How wonderful he thought must it be to live in a world were trusting a person was simply dependant on knowing the individual. This wasn't his world. In his world terrorists played God, brought back beautiful angels, pumped them full of implants and cybernetics, leaving those whom had once loved them to forever wonder how much of their darling remained.

He wouldn't let his treacherous heart be the decider of her authenticity. Add one and two and get three, that's what a good soldier does. Shepard was here, Cerberus was here, assisted greatly it would seem by an inside source.

He took a breath. "Shepard, I need a straight answer from you."

"Knock it off Kaidan, it's getting dull," she lashed, much to the Major's surprise. "If you have an issue with my Command you're going to have to take that up with Hackett."

Her tolerance for his irritancy had just about diminished. She'd been listening to his oh so subtle comments since arrival. He didn't trust her, she got it. It was no big shock after Horizon. His distrust didn't hurt her, she just didn't care for it. She wanted this assignment and this day over with, Kaidan was just delaying that.

She shifted uncomfortably underneath her armour. Mars was not a planet the spectre enjoyed visiting. The sheer heat combined with its famous vision impairing storms had often caused routine missions to feel like something of Omega 4 relay magnitude.

The soldier appreciatively removed her helmet confirming the room had in fact vented. They'd barely been here thirty minutes and already she felt like hell. Sweat drops stuck hair to her face, the pigmentation of her skin had greatly whitened. She wasn't herself. Even during their recent stand off with Cerberus she had uncharacteristically been happy to let her squad do much of the fight, whilst her usual booming combat adrenaline lay dormant. This she was sure had only thrown fuel onto the burning fire that is Kaidan Alenko and his Cerberus/Shepard liaison theory. She quickly dismissed the cause of her body's state to her earlier alcohol consumption. This was not time to be getting ill.

"Sorry Commander its just-" Kaidan tried.

"We'll talk later."

"Yes...Ma'am," he gritted.

They made their way through the base pausing only to pick up weapons and close the eyes of recently deceased Alliance Soldiers.

It wasn't long before the three ran into Liara T'soni, who of course being the walking fountain of enlightenment that she was, informed the soldiers on exactly why they had been called here and what needed to be done.

Sending James back to guard the exists, the three old comrades got the chance to fight alongside one another once again, though only Liara found any sort of joy in the sentiment.

"Dr. Eva was Cerberus' inside source, I don't believe it," the asari remarked, examining the security footage.

"See Kaidan, you were right all along," Shepard mocked, slamming a hand much harder than necessary across his armoured back. "There was indeed an Alliance traitor."

"Right...so anyway," he muttered, ignoring her. "I'm going to see if I can figure out a way to get Cerberus to send a tram over."

He made his way into the halls, shocked at discovering the dead half husk whose transmitter he needed.

"Hows it going?" Shepard coughed, startling him.

"I've just sent word. The tram should be here soon, probably armed to the teeth."

"Great," she moaned, now feeling the full force of her body's decided attack against itself.

Whilst waiting, the pair attempted to busy themselves by stretching out phantom cramps, cracking knuckles, anything to change the tune of silence.

"Shepard?"

"Mmm?"

_Please don't say it._

"We should talk."

"Kaidan," she sighed.

"Can't we just figure this out." He approached, trimming the gap between them to mere inches. " I want to talk while we have a moment to ourselves."

"I fully intend on talking with you Kaidan, but not now. We need to focus," she explained, crossing her arms and the bridge between their bodies.

"Yeah, I'd hardly call our petty jabs at one another focussed."

"Our, petty jabs Kaidan?"

"Yeah okay, I admit I'm finding it a little hard to cope with your previous...association."

"A little? Kaidan your letting personal feelings about Cerberus endanger this entire assignment. Look I don't care what you think about me bu-"

"You really don't care?"

"What?"

"What I think of you?"

"It would be preferable for you to trust me given the circumstances."

"That's not what I meant Shepard. Can we just knock the Commander thing off a second?"

"Excuse me?"

He raised his hands and took hold of her upper arms, tempted to unfold them but not that stupid, he was taking a risk as it was.

The gesture surprised Shepard. Even under cold armour his touch and closeness brought back the subtle hint of the warmth they'd once shared. It troubled her to realise how easily she could fall back into it.

"Just talk to me. How do you feel Shepard?"

"Why don't you tell me how you feel Kaidan?"

"Well...confused. It's like we don't know each other anymore," he said sadly.

"Kaidan..." She tried to soften her voice. "We don't know each other anymore."

"And our...friendship?" he asked, although both knew what was really being asked here.

She swallowed. "Things are different now."

"So that's it? It's that easy huh?" he asked, letting go of her. "We're different now so we just forget everything?"

"Don't you think you're throwing stones in glass houses here?"

"How so?"

"Horizon?"

"So you are mad about that?"

"I was just making a point," she shrugged. "Anyway I need to check on Liara."

He grabbed her arm as she tried to turn away, saw the rage flicker across her eyes.

"Why won't you just talk to me, just let me in?"

"I don't think it's your place to ask that of me," she snarled, pulling her arm from his grasp.

"You know Shepard, sometimes it's alright to be human like the rest of us."

_Son of a..._

"What do you want me to say Kaidan?" she snapped. "That it stung when you turned your back on me? That I needed all the friends I could get and you were just happy to pretend I was still cold in the ground?"

"That's not fair."

"No, it is fair Kaidan! Garrus, Tali, Joker, Chakwas, they stood by my side, didn't question my motives. They were there for me and I hadn't screwed any of them." He winced at the degrading term in which she referred to their relationship. "Now lets do our damn jobs," she ordered, making her way back to Liara.

"Shepard."

"What?" she gritted.

"About Horizon...I mean... I really did love you, you know."

"I...just don't believe that Kaidan, I'm sorry."

He watched her walk away, silenced by her revelation.

* * *

"The data's being erased!" Liara yelled after a brief and as always completely time wasting conversation with the Illusive man. Shepard possessed mixed feelings for the man, strange as that seemed to her. He stood for everything she hated. His wanting to keep the collector base which has become the grave of many liquefied innocents confirmed that. Still, she felt something for him, a feeling of gratitude perhaps? Maybe something more. He'd given her life, for a little girl who would never know what man brought her into this world, the sentiment was hard to ignore.

"Over here!" Kaidan shouted, eyes and pistol locked on the inhumanly fast typing Dr. Eva. "Step away from the console," he instructed.

She kicked him hard to the ground before giving him chance to react.

"She's got the data!" he yelled, pulling himself up.

Shepard led the chase being the human cheetah she was, giving it all she had as the extraction shuttle came in.

"Damn it! James! Normandy! Anybody!"

"I got this one." She heard on the comm, before watching the Lieutenant crash an Alliance shuttle down hard into Dr. Eva's escape plan.

The explosion knocked Shepard and her team to the ground. She quickly rose to rebuke James and check on her comrades.

"Need a hand?" she asked, noticing Kaidan struggling to his feet.

"I'm fine Commander," he dismissed.

She nodded and left to help Liara, not wanting to dent the man's dignity. He clearly didn't like her right now.

The metallic glint hit the Major's eye. Like something out of a nightmare the clearly sentient Dr. Eva charged towards him. He grabbed his pistol managing to release a couple of shots before feeling his body leave the ground. She hung his head with a single grasp. Kaidan struggled, trying to kick the AI but to no avail. He was left entirely at her mercy, which as it happened would not be kind. She turned his body round after speaking briefly into her comm and proceeded to pull him forward. He felt the back of his head being bashed hard, the pain stunned him. He could only be thankful for his helmet. The pain came again, harder this time. She wasn't going to stop, she was going to try and kill him. The third bash booted an image he thought well lost over time.

_Her sprawled on his sheets snickering over sneaking into the crew quarters, her fingers tracing the lines of his abdominal muscles, her soft breath whispering his name, her tongue melting into his mouth._

She was wrong.

He had loved her.

He would always love her.

He hazily heard his name being called before losing the last of his consciousness.

"Kaidan!" Shepard yelled, releasing the last of her ammo into Dr. Eva before running to his fallen side, afraid to look through the glass of his helmet. "Kaidan can you here me? Kaidan please talk to me!"

"Commander we gotta go! We've got reaper signatures in orbit," Joker exclaimed over the comm. "Commander? Commander!"

"I heard you Joker," she swallowed. "James, bring Dr. Eva's body with us."

"What about Kaidan?" he asked.

"I've got him. Lets go!" Shepard pulled the Major onto her shoulders praying she wasn't carrying a corpse. The weakened physical state of her body stammered hard under his weight.

The Normandy arrived allowing all to make a quick exit. Shepard entered the med-bay gently placing Kaidan's beaten body onto one of the beds. James followed suit, slamming the sentient down hard.

"Get that thing the hell out of here!" Shepard ordered.

"Where am I suppose to put it?" James argued.

"I don't care, It doesn't belong in the med-bay."

"Fine, I'll dump it in the cargo," he groaned. "Is erm, the Major gonna be okay?"

Shepard looked to Liara hopefully.

"I've found a pulse but its weak," the asari informed after having removed his helmet. "We need to get him to the Citadel as soon as possible. For now all we can do is apply medi-gel."

Shepard stared down into her comrade's battered face. The guilt sickened her. He'd unfairly bore the consequence of his Commander's inactions.

"Shepard?" Liara's face obstructed her view. "Shepard?"

"I heard you Liara," she remarked, restraining anger from her tone. "Joker get us to the Citadel."

"Roger that Commander. Oh hey I'm getting a signal from the secondary QEC, I think its Hackett."

"Patch it through to the comm room," she ordered, hesitant to leave.

* * *

"Did you make it to the archives?" the hologrammed Admiral asked.

"We did, so did the illusive man," Shepard informed.

"What about the data?"

"We have most of it. The illusive man downloaded some before we could stop him. I'll get Edi and Liara to recover what's left."

"I've already taken a look," Liara announced joining Shepard's side. "Preliminary evidence suggests the data is a blue print for a prothean device, a weapon capable of unquantifiable levels of destruction."

"Sounds promising," Hackett responded. "Send me the data and report your findings to the Council, we need their help in this."

"Yes Sir," Shepard affirmed. "We're heading there now. One of my...men has been hurt."

"I'm sorry to hear that Shepard but we both know this is just the beginning."

He was right. This war would cost many lives. She struggled to accept the possibility of her soldiers being involved in that payment.

"Aye aye Sir."

"Hackett out," he dismissed with a salute.

"Shepard?" Liara hesitated.

"Mmm?"

"Do you really think it could work?" The device I mean."

"I don't know Liara." She exhaled, feeling like she might just keel over from exhaustion. "But its hope and that's something pretty damn sparse at the moment."

"Yes, I suppose you're right. If you don't mind me saying Commander, you don't seem too well."

"Hell of a day, that's all."

The asari placed a hand on the human's forehead, much to her dislike.

"Liara-"

"You feel hot Shepard. I should examine you further."

"There's really no need," she insisted, gently taking the Doctor's hand off, not wanting to hurt her feelings. "I just need to sleep."

"Have you eaten today?"

_Does vodka count?_

"You really don't have to worry Liara. I'm going to quickly check in on Kaidan and then I'll rest up ready to present our findings to the Council."

"It wasn't your fault you know? Kaidan I mean."

"It's fine Liara. I'm okay. I just need to focus."

"As you wish Commander," the asari replied, discerning she should drop the topic. "Do you think the Council will listen?"

"It'll be a hell of a short war if they don't."

* * *

"The awkward silence never gets old huh?" She tried and failed to fake a laugh.

The med-bay was empty now, bar Shepard and the Major of course. She sat at his side watching his chest move, it was the best that could be hoped for right now. With all the dried redness and swelling it was difficult to make out the face she knew by heart. Shepard inhaled deeply. She wished she was better at this, she wished she knew what she was suppose to say or if he could even hear her. He'd grown a lot, she'd noticed on Mars. He had become an excellent soldier, a Major now. She never did congratulate him she realized. She wished she had just spoken to him before hand, cleared the air. Perhaps this could've been avoided.

"Come on Kaidan, fight this. Don't pay the price for my mistake. Don't...join Ashley."

Her eyelids heavied. She knew she had to rest, had to shake off this sickness before tomorrow.

"Well I gotta go Major. Gotta get out this armour and get my ass to bed, all part of saving the galaxy." She tried once again to laugh, wondering who she was even joking to. "Don't get too lonely okay?"

She rose and turned to leave, stopping once more to look at the man who was once...hers. A chill rushed through the spectre. This hauntingly quiet medical room and just him, all alone.

She sat back on the bed side chair, kissed his forehead lightly and rested her neck on his pillow.

"I'm here," she whispered.


	4. Garrus Vakarian

**Thank you all for reading! **

**I own nothing. Bioware owns all.**

* * *

She stood outside the door, forced herself to knock. She really had no choice at this point.

"Shepard?" the startled asari yawned. "What brings you here? Is everything alright?"

"Liara...sorry to disturb you. I erm...have a medical question."

"Of course, come in," the doctor delighted.

"I'm...probably just over reacting but..."

"I'm sure that's not true. Here, come sit down," she instructed, directing Shepard onto the bed. "You look terrible Commander."

"Yeah, I've not been feeling too great."

"Hmm. Have you been exposed to anything unusual?" Liara asked, scanning the shivering woman with her omni tool.

"A husk."

"A husk?"

"I was bitten by one on Earth," Shepard explained. "I got up in the night to spew for the hundredth time, my arm was excruciatingly itchy. I took my plate off and noticed the wound had kinda... worsened."

"Oh my!" Liara gasped examining the mark. "It's black and it's...huge."

"Yep, pretty damn ugly. Anything you can do?"

"I...have heard of this. Your body is developing an extremely rapid and extremely severe infection. Few that have survived an unarmoured physical attack with the creatures and been left untreated have been known to experience dangerous symptoms."

"Such as?"

"High Fever, sickness, impaired judgement, hallucinations, death."

"Nice..."

"Indeed. It is not something that can be treated simply with medi-gel. Recovery usually involves injections of temporary antidote until a twenty four hour hospitalised drip is available to the individual for a full body flush."

"And where can I get these injections?"

"I can make you up one now in the med-bay, the formula is simple enough, but you will eventually require the full treatment Shepard."

"When I get twenty four hours of my life free it'll be the first thing I do."

"Shepard," she scorned.

"I'm joking Liara, I'll get it done don't worry."

* * *

Watching Kaidan committed to Huerta memorial was a relief. He had made it this far on his own, his chances could only better now. The hospital was overrun of course, Shepard wondered how the doctors must cope, how they must ration out treatment, make those decisions to prioritise knowing someone will suffer, if not die for this. Imperfect people trying to make perfect decisions. She knew the feeling only too well.

The strong decontamination smell tickled her nose. She knew it was time to leave anyway, time to amuse the Council by asking for help. Before going she shook hands with the doctor in charge of Kaidan's medical well being. She left her credit chit, commissioning him to get in whatever supplies may be needed regarding the Major's health. Right or wrong she knew Kaidan would gain preferential treatment for being a member of the SSV Normandy.

She hadn't a second to observe the ever changing Citadel before meeting with the Councillors nor did she particularly have the interest at this moment in time. Physically she felt great, her body had responded excellently to Liara's injection. Only her hunger lay discomfortingly, though this of course could be rectified easily enough. Mentally however she was trying to focus, this was something new regarding her approach with the council. When addressing them before she had simply stated her concerns, let them form their opinion, listened to their conclusion and often if not always argued over the matter. She had never particularly thought about her words before, but now she wanted to. There was just too much at stake to let her request be dismissed over bad blood.

"Ahh, Commander Shepard," the turian Councillor acknowledged, his tongue curling in pronunciation of her name. "No need to state your concerns Commander, Councillor Udina has informed us of Earth's situation."

"I have tried to more like," Udina snorted.

"Then you know I need your help," she expressed, wondering once again why anyone would see Udina fit for representing humankind.

"I'm afraid we may not be able to offer much help," the asari Councillor spoke sympathetically. "As we have told Councillor Udina, we must focus our efforts on our own defences at this time."

"I understand Madame Councillor," Shepard spoke, knowing if she could side anybody it would be her. "But you know as well as I do that the Reapers will not stop at Earth. When your worlds are being harvested do you not want to be able to count on human support?"

"This is a mute point," the salarian Councillor lashed. "If we leave our planets to help yours, they will be destroyed. Of what benefit will your human help be then?"

"The Councilors right, It is pointless to even discuss. We all know how this conversation will end, and I am in no mood for your outbursts Shepard," the turian Councillor remarked.

The spectre's nails dug hard into the recently healed mark of her palm.

"Just please, hear me out," she exhaled, calming herself. "I come to you not as a human but as a being. We are witnessing the end of civilisation, my civilisation, your civilisation. We do not get another shot at this. Do not let your races be wiped out, out of mere ignorance."

"Excuse me," Liara interrupted, explaining their findings of the crucible and the great assistance it will bear.

"Sounds like a fairy story," the turian Councillor scoffed.

"You mean like the Reapers, Councillor?" Shepard pointed out.

"Enough of this!" the asari councillor ordered. "We are doing nothing but waste time here. Shepard, I am sorry we cannot help at this moment. We must prepare and secure our own borders. If we are able to accomplish this, we may then consider sending aid for earth."

Shepard sighed watching the Council walk away. It was expected of course but still disappointing. They were condemning their own worlds to destruction as well as hers.

"Believe me Councillors, if we do not fight together, we will die together," she tried.

The turian Councillor held back and observed the human he disliked so intently.

"Commander, meet with me in Udinas office."

* * *

"Can I help you Councillor?" Shepard addressed the turian.

"I wanted to inform you we have decided to uphold your spectre status."

"I wasn't aware it was under dispute."

"As always, your attitude is a disappointment. I don't have to remind you of the honour this holds."

"Was their anything else Councillor?" she gritted.

He hesitated. "Yes, I may be able to help you. Primach Fedorian of Palaven called the war summit but...we've lost contact with him. Those meetings won't proceed without him. The Normandy is one of the few ships that could extract him undetected."

"And this helps me how?"

"Don't be naïve Commander. A grateful turian Primarch will do wonders for your home world, I'm sure. I doubt you can afford to turn this opportunity down"

"And I doubt you can afford it either."

"Lets cut the self righteousness shall we Commander? My people need something, your people need something. I believe this is what you humans call a win win situation."

"Ptfth," Shepard exhaled. As usual him and the other two would do nothing to help until it was to their advantage.

"It's up to you what you choose to do." He shrugged.

Shepard thought he would walk away at that but he didn't, he just looked at her. The hard faced turian was hard to read. They seldom gave anything away. Still, there was something familiar in his eyes. Her friendship with Garrus Vakarian had helped the Commander detect subtle tell tale signs of emotion. It was this way when Garrus had come to her for help with his betrayer Sidonis. During the time it had taken to track down the turian, Shepard had seen it in her comrade's eyes many times. Underneath the rage and pride, he'd been desperate, felt trapped. It was the same now with the Councillor. He wanted to plead but nothing in his DNA was going to let him.

"Consider it done," she said.

* * *

Chewing on the salty sweet protein bar, the ache of her stomach slowly mellowed.

"So, we leave our people to fend for themselves, but now we're going to help out the turians? Who have the biggest damn military force in the Galaxy!" James complained, trying to steady himself on the turbulent shuttle.

"It's all part of the war effort James," she mumbled, mouth full of carbohydrates.

"Makes no sense to me," he lied.

"You'll learn."

He muttered something and began tinkering with his weapon modifications. Shepard wanted to make sure she chatted with him at some point like she had intended with Kaidan, only left it too late. James was a good soldier and a good man. He just wanted reassurance he was doing the right thing by letting his family and friends alone to fight their way through hell, it was more than deserved. She realised her to do list had become rather full. She had new crew she needed to meet, old crew to greet. She'd been Commander two days, and already her inbox was filled high with requests, mostly surrounding the Citadel. There was a lot to do and a lot of report writing to follow. She'd briefly informed Hackett of the Council's decision before taking straight off to Palaven's moon.

"Palaven, look at it!" Liara remarked, observing the shuttle's monitor. "I hope Garrus is bearing through."

"Is he on it?" Shepard asked the Shadow broker.

"I...I'm not sure. I've been so busy with the Archives. I thought you might know."

"No," she replied, eyes fixed onto the burning screen. "I haven't been in contact with anyone over the last six months."

Shepard had had a lot of time to think whilst being detained, it was a rarity for her to spend time pondering over nothing. She'd missed Garrus, more than she'd expected to. They hadn't always shared a friendship. For a while their relationship had consisted of mere pleasantries and protocol. Shepard had originally recruited the C-sec agent, impressed by his combat skill and determination to bring down Saren. It became quickly apparent that the turian was sceptical about serving on a human ship, but as always with him, the ends justified the means. Shepard lacked experience in turian association as did Garrus with humans. She knew they were a proud people with a strong military background. She had seen others try and joke with Garrus whilst he was making repairs to the Mako. He'd simply nod and tighten his mandibles. She didn't have to know much about turians to see he was irritated. Shepard of course wanted her alien crew mate to feel comfortable, as she did with Tali, Liara and Wrex. She'd approached the C-sec officer as with the others and expressed an interest in his work. His replies one lined and automatic. "Yes Commander." "No Commander." "Good to see you Commander."

As their race against Saren neared its end, Shepard had walked out into the night air whilst docked at the Citadel and found the turian slouched in a bar she herself liked to come to be alone. She debated leaving but sat beside him.

"Commander," he startled. "Need me for something?"

"At ease Garrus," she smiled, and ordered herself a drink.

He stared at her for a moment, never quite being able to figure her. Most of the humans he knew were vocal of seemingly every thought and emotion, but Shepard was different. He couldn't read her, she never gave anything away. He admired the quality in a Commander.

"How are you?" he asked, returning attention to the drink in his hand.

"Better for that," she replied, shaking off her shot of alcohol.

The bar was empty mostly. It was dark and musty. Tobacco stained the walls both visibly and odour wise. There were a few gruff looking turians in one corner, a couple of Krogan occupying a table. The place was well known for being rough. Garrus had been called out here frequently during his time in C-sec, mainly to Break up fights, deal with armed robberies, usual stuff. The management liked Garrus, they certainly felt a lot safer having him present. The free drinks had made this his local, though he wondered what could possibly appeal to Shepard about the place.

"I didn't think this would be your sort of place," he inquired curiously.

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"I've never seen humans in here before."

"Wer'e not all the same you know."

"Oh...I didn't mean, damn it. Sorry Commander I..."

"Relax Garrus," she smiled, gently squeezing his arm, letting the turian know she was joking. "So what brings you here?"

"Hmm...ambiance," he gestured towards the two Krogan now butting heads.

She laughed. "You're a strange one, turian."

He found her like for teasing him amusing, though cautiously wondered if she was trying to arouse a racial defence in him. He didn't know humans well enough to know whether retaliating to this banter would cause offence, so he kept quiet. They were so close to Saren now, Garrus could not risk getting thrown off the ship.

"Something on your mind?" she asked, noticing him staring off.

He looked at her whilst swallowing the last of his drink. His stare rushed a shiver through her body. His eyes were positively piercing.

Garrus went on to explain his encounter with Dr. Saleon and the message updating him on possible coordinates.

"We'll get it done," Shepard informed, admiring his repulsion of the barbaric doctor.

Her reply surprised him. "I know this is not your concern Commander."

"You're my crew, you're my concern Garrus," she explained.

"I understand that. Thank you Commander, but this could delay our mission."

"We'll get it done Garrus," she repeated. "If your feeling guilty I could always cut your next shore leave."

His mandibles flicked into a grin. "I'd miss this place."

"Then take the damn offer turian."

"Okay Commander, you win."

"Damn right," she smiled. "And Garrus?"

"Mmm?"

"Call me Shepard."

Conversation flowed better after that night. It wasn't too long before Saren was confronted and the two went their separate ways, leaving with a better understanding and respect for one anothers race.

Two years later of course, and fate would reunite the pair. Though both different now, both having lost so much. Garrus' respect only grew for the woman seeing her decision to ally with Cerberus. She didn't care about position or reputation, just on saving one more life. For Shepard, Garrus was the last bit of familiarity she had left, a speck of comfort in her screwed up existence. An untouchable trust grew between the two. They rarely proceeded off ship without each other. Although unspoken, their bond was apparent.

"Well, wherever he is I'm sure he will be putting up a good fight," Liara assured.

"That he will," Shepard smiled.

The team landed, and after learning of the Primarchs death and the General they must instead unite, they set off on the impossibly reaper swarmed moon to find him.

"James, that you breathing so hard?"

"Atmospheres a little thinner than I'm use to that's al-"

"Shepard!" Liara yelled suddenly.

A lone marauder appeared from the rock a short meter ahead, targeting its gun at Shepard's head. She swiftly reached for her pistol before hearing the bullet zip past her ear, causing the marauder to fall to its feet.

"Planning on taking back my planet with a pistol, human?"

Shepard turned to meet the sniper's eyes.

"Well, well, well, Garrus Vakarian."


	5. Catching Up

**Thank you every one who reads, reviews, follows and favourites!**

**Bioware owns all.**

* * *

The turian made his way into the mess hall, having had a little time to reacquaint himself with the Normandy's weapon systems. He'd missed his residence in the main battery. The small room had been a place were solitude could be indulged. This had been much appreciated whilst coming to terms with the careless decision he felt he had made to momentarily leave his old team, thus sealing their fate.

He spotted his old Commander sat at an empty table, seemingly cursing at a data pad. The two had agreed to sit and have a quick catch up, not having had chance in-between bullets on Paleven's moon.

"Missed me Shepard?"

She directed her attention from the the day's report she must submit, and onto the towering alien above her. She smiled through sips of coffee. "Well, I do tend to take less bullets when you're around."

"Evidently," he grinned, filling the seat opposite her.

"So, what have you been up to turian?"

"Alot actually. Mostly involving yelling of reaper invasions and being ignored, a little more yelling, a little more ignoring, a final bout of yelling and then surprisingly...being taken seriously."

"Really? How did you manage that?"

"I had a little help from my...Father. He has some pull in the turian Government."

"Nice," Shepard remarked. Noting the turian's expression, she decided against probing further. "I'm sure it helped buy your planet some time. Good job Vakarian."

"Well, someone had to do something while you enjoyed your little holiday."

"Yeah," she laughed. "Something tells me those days are long gone. I have a mountain of things to get through. I'm glad you're here Garrus, I'm going to need your help in this."

"As long as it doesn't involve report writing, I'll do whatever you want me to Shepard."

_Damn it._

"I'm sure I can find you something more exciting to do. Something to help scratch that new armour of yours."

"Fine by me."

"Speaking of which, it's late, how can you still stand to have the damn thing on?"

"Wanting to see underneath my armour Shepard?"

"Wouldn't dream of it Garrus," she laughed.

"Dream all you like."

"I see time on Palaven hasn't done much for your subordination."

"Palaven has nothing to do with it," he mock scoffed. "It's more likely the human influence I've been subjected to over the years."

"Well Garrus, on behalf of humankind, I offer my sincerest apologies for any way in which associating with us may have castrated the turian in you."

"Thank you Shepard."

She kicked him lightly under the table and stretched to her feet. "Come on, lets get some food before we die."

The pair made their way over to the kitchen. Shepard couldn't help but notice something different in the way her friend carried himself. He'd never lacked for confidence, but now he seemed more so with it. His demeanor was calmed, he seemed...happier. She hoped he'd finally been able to put his demons to rest.

"No dextro food?" he asked, searching the fridge.

"Damn it! Sorry Garrus," she cursed, realising she hadn't thought to pick up supplies. "Are you very hungry?"

"I'm okay Shepard, although you might have an irritable Primarch on your hands."

"We'll stock up as soon as we reach the Citadel. Consider it my top priority."

"Aren't you eating?" he asked, noticing she'd stopped food preparation.

"Nah," she dismissed. "The coffee will keep me going."

"Don't not eat on my account Shepard, I'm fine, really."

"Me too, I was just a little peckish anyway, I can wait until morning."

"Am I going to have to spoon feed you like a baby human?"

"As opposed to a baby turian?" she laughed. "Who I imagine are so smart they come out of their mothers with a knife and fork in hand."

"Something like that."

The two friends smiled, momentarily lingering in eye contact. Garrus discerned something off with her expression, a surface smile covering much weight. He had once found her impossible to read, but as it happens, get close enough to anybody and they will unwittingly let little clues slip. Garrus certainly didn't profess he could read Shepard like a book, but he knew when she was hurting, and right now, she was hurting. He heard what had happened to her old mate Kaidan on Mars. Garrus didn't know if Shepard still held feelings for the man, but either way he knew having a crew member injured under her watch would be killing her. He decided against bringing it up, he wasn't about to disturb her thoughts if he was wrong.

"Did you...get my message Shepard?"

"Erm, I don't think so. Although anything I would have received before two days ago wouldn't have gotten through. I'm sure there'll be a way of recovering it all."

"Right...okay then, well..."

"Was it anything important?"

"Not really," he coughed. "Just checking in."

The gesture and his embarrassment of it, warmed her heart. "I Appreciate it Garrus," she remarked, punching him gently on the shoulder.

"This is why I keep my armour on around you."

She laughed. "So all in all, are you glad to be back?"

"Definitely, although it feels strange being so empty, I noticed Jack isn't here, which is...pleasant."

"And no more Cerberus."

"Yeah, that's always a bonus. Still, I'm glad we did what needed to be done with them."

"No regrets?"

"I don't regret saving those colonies, I just regret it being Cerberus I had to do it with."

"I know what you mean," Shepard sighed.

"Well," Garrus yawned. "The sooner we go to bed, the sooner we can wake up to a nice big Citadel café breakfast."

"You sure you're okay sleeping in the forward battery?"

"Absolutely. Just like old times," he grinned. "Unless of course, you were offering to trade?"

"No thanks," she laughed. "I'd miss my hamster."

"Strange humans."

She smiled. "Well...goodnight Garrus."

"Yeah...goodnight Shepard."

Both stood waiting for the other to leave, but neither did. After being apart so long, the sight of one another's face was hard to turn from.

Stepping closer, Shepard did something she had never done with the turian. She placed her arms around the fabric of his waist and rested her cheek against the cool metal of his armour. After a moment, she felt his arms wrap around her back, his large hands pressing gently on her. Two days worth of tears harboured closely. She squeezed him hard as if squeezing out the image of the little boy she didn't save, the old flame lying in a state of comatose, the Admiral she may never see again, the weight of the Galaxy, she squeezed it all into the strong body of the person she had come to trust beyond any.

"I've missed you Garrus."

"I've missed you too Shepard." He softened his grip, letting her step back.

"Well...I guess I'll see you at breakfast."

"Sure. Your treat Shepard."

"We'll see," she grinned.

* * *

Shepard lay in the darkness, having stripped out of her soldier's casuals and into a simple vest and shorts.

_During our extraction of Primarch Victus on Palaven's moon, my team and I fought against a previously unknown enemy referred to as 'brute.' These creatures are colossal in size and...urghhhh. I hateee report writing._

Shepard flicked the screen of her personal data pad off what she was doing and onto her messages page.

_Aria: It's time to take back Omega._

_Aria: Meet me in Purgatory!_

_Aria: Where are you?_

_Aria: Are you getting these? I said it's timmmmmeeeee!_

_Shepard: I'll get to you when I can Aria._

_Aria: * $**£" !_

The Commander searched her inbox, heart pounding. There was nothing from Huerta memorial. She composed a quick message.

_Doctor Clarke,_

_Please send me an update regarding Major Kaidan Alenko's status._

_Feel free to contact me with anything concerning this matter._

_Commander Shepard,_

Out of curiosity the Commander logged in to her old messaging account.

_Unread mail: 782._

She scanned through the outdated and irrelevant messages until finding and playing out loud the one she wanted.

_Hey Shepard,_

_It's me. Just...checking in. You're probably not able to respond so don't worry, I'm just sending you a little...cheer._

_It seems as though your warnings might actually be listened to, at least on Palaven anyway. Thought you would want to know. Hope you're not enjoying yourself too much. There's going to be a lot of reaper blood to spill and I intend on being on your six through it all. I know you thought it was the best thing to do, hand yourself in I mean, and I'm sure you're probably right (You usually are) but it still makes me damn mad. When you get out, drinks are on me. Maybe we could even go shake down Harkins, you know, just for old times sake._

_Well...I better go, much to do (I'm an expert reaper advisor now apparently) __I just want you to know, no matter what happens, that I respect you as a Commander and a friend. _

_Take care Shepard...I miss you._

_Garrus,_

Shepard rested the device on her bedside table, nuzzled her face into a pillow, hit the replay option, closed her eyes and let the smooth rumble of her friend's voice soothe her to sleep.


	6. Meet and Greet

**As always, no copyright intended.**

* * *

"Ready Garrus?" Shepard grinned.

"Are you kidding?" he asked, loading up a favoured rifle. "I'm right behind you."

"Edi?"

"Affirmative Shepard."

"Okay...Go!"

The three abandoned cover and proceeded to devour into the walloping atlas before them. Cool air accompanied their movement, sun rays warmed their faces. Spirits were high. They were doing a good thing here. Urdnot Wrex had established his price for Krogan support, that being retrieval of the last fertile female of his kind in an effort to aid creation of a genophage cure. If Shepard had doubted the sincerity of the Krogan before, looking into the face of the childless Mother, she knew she would never again. She would protect this woman and her dreams for peace. The salarians and turians as desperate as they may have been, had no right to play God over an entire race.

"Shepard!" Edi called out. "Cerberus soldiers are being deployed behind us."

"Garrus!" Shepard yelled.

"On it." He managed to tear his attention and bullets away from the colossal machine and onto incoming forces.

Edi and Shepard dealt with the challenge as best they could, now being one man down. Sprinting between rockets, dispensing an assortment of bullets and grenades. The thing was not going down easy.

"Scoped and dropped!" came the familiar boom.

"Having fun back there Garrus?" Shepard yelled.

"Picking off the asses responsible for this mess? No Shepard, no fun at all."

"Well hurry up," she smiled. "We need your help overloading this thing."

He promptly returned to original position after neutralising a remaining gun man. Edi and himself simultaneously deployed overload to the beast's shields, before all three let out a full force of ammo. Garrus climbed up onto a crate and carefully executed shots towards its centre whilst the other two held attention. Shepard ducked behind nearby cover to reload. She peered over at Garrus, briefly checking he wasn't in danger of attracting detection any time soon. She observed the turian's impossibly still body, his state concentrated, eyes fixed for precision, the subtle movement of his finger teasing the trigger, awaiting alignment of that perfect shot. She'd never known him to be more in his element than during combat. It was this display of skill which had originally attracted her to recruit him. She of course by now, had seen him in action countless times, yet his composure never ceased to impress the spectre.

"See something you like Shepard?" he asked, noting her stare.

"Stay focused Garrus," she grinned.

"I might say the same to you."

A final triple round of fire did it, reducing the all powerful atlas into mere shards on the ground.

"Excellent work Shepard," Mordin commended. "Female Krogan safe, vital signs strong. Nice to see skills still sharp."

"I'm glad you approve Mordin," she smiled, making her way over to him and his female patient.

"You okay?" she asked the Krogan.

"I'm fine Commander," her voice strained dully. The torture she must have subjected herself to, desperately seeking a child filled future for her people. Shepard could only be grateful for the part she'd played in preserving Maleon's data.

"You'll be alright now," the spectre reassured. "You've done a great thing for your people."

The Krogan nodded appreciatively.

"It's about time Shepard!" The incoming battle master shouted.

"And...here we go," Garrus sighed.

"I've been flying around for hours waiting for you to deal with that thing!"

"Let's not exaggerate Wrex," Shepard remarked.

He ignored her, eyes hungrily taking in the female before him. "Well, let her out then, salarian!"

"Wrrrex," Shepard scorned.

"At once," Mordin complied.

"Hehe, aren't you a sight for sore eyes." He offered a hand, which was promptly dismissed with a rolling of eyes.

"I can handle myself," she grumbled, making the statement evident by shooting a surviving Cerberus attacker.

Wrex stood stunned both in shock and arousal watching her walk away.

"Just let me know when you need me to teach you a thing or two about the art of seduction," Garrus said, nudging the Krogan.

"I won't be taking advice from you Garrus," he growled.

"Alright people, on to the shuttle we go," Shepard ordered, satisfied over a productive mission in which no body was harmed, well...except Cerberus anyway.

"Commander Shepard!" Major Kirrahe called out, catching her just before departure. He handed her the heavy pistol she'd been captivated by earlier. "It's called the scorpion, it's all yours. Enjoy it Commander, and I meant what I said, you can count on my support for earth."

"Thanks Major." She shook his hand and turned to prop herself up onto the shuttle, almost jumping out of her skin discovering the blue eyed turian staring down at her, his expression that of a kicked puppy.

"You get the exploding gun? Now that's just mean."

* * *

There's something about the effect a big mission like Surkesh can have on the Normandy. A wave of triumph airs the ship. Talk of success and achievement bounce between walls. Morale is high. The crew are elated. They've yet again participated in some way, small as it may be, to the completion of a presumed impossibility. Shepard had witnessed this atmosphere countless times. Noveria, Feros, Ilos, Horizon, the collector base. When able to accomplish such feats, you are left (perhaps dangerously) with a small taste of invisibility. Of course they could beat the reapers, they could go right now and shoot every damn one to extinction. (like I said, dangerous) Still, this was absolutely the best time to have a heart to heart with the ship's residence, and their Commander intended on doing just that.

"How's it going Liara?"

"Shepard! Hi, I was just researching more about the prothean artifact discovered on Eden prime."

"Oh yeah, Hackett sent me a message about that, we'll get round to it. I still have Grissom academy to look into. Plus, both Wrex and the Primarch have their own little assignments for me," she sighed.

"Well, just let me know when you're able. I...personally would love to partake in something so significant."

"Don't worry Liara, I'll be bringing you when we eventually go."

"Really?"

"Of course. There's no prothean without Liara T'soni," Shepard grinned. "Also, trying to figure out their technology just gives me a headache."

"Thank you Shepard," the asari blushed. "By the way, how is the rash on your arm?"

"Fine. Just a little pink."

"So, it's not bothering you?" the doctor asked, wishing her Commander wasn't wearing the long sleeved jacket, preventing examination.

"No, I haven't even noticed it."

"But Shepard, if I could just take a loo-"

"Honestly Liara, I'd tell you if I was concerned."

"Oh, you're right. You must think me annoying, always probing."

"You don't annoy me Liara," Shepard assured. "I appreciate your concern."

The asari's face mimicked her insides with a smile.

"Now," Shepard announced. "I need to go see my favourite pilot."

* * *

"Oh, look who finally decides to show her face up here," Joker scoffed.

"Been busy Joker," Shepard reminded him. "I'm here now aren't I?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know this is just a courtesy visit."

"Maybe not. Maybe I've missed the sound of awful jokes."

"Pftt, well you certainly won't find any up here."

"Knock it off Joker," she said smiling at him. "I know you've missed me."

"Yeah, well...maybe a little," he said, smiling back.

"So how are you?"

"Oh, my life has suddenly taken a turn for the better," he explained, turning to view the womanly formed Edi.

"How about you Edi?" Shepard asked. "You alright?"

"This question is not relevant Shepard, since the only problem that could occur with me would be errors in my software. If this should happen, an alert is programmed to release, informing the Commanding officer of the situation. Hence, you would already be well aware if I wasn't 'alright.'

"Duh, Shepard," Joker mocked.

Well, okey-dokey then, since you're both 'alright,' I think, I'll go check up on the lower decks."

"See! What did I say? Courtesy visit!"

* * *

Shepard briefly reunited with Engineer Adams, met her new shuttle pilot Steve Cortez, and progressed to James.

"Hey," she said, watching him pull his weight over a metal bar.

"Hey," he muttered.

"Wanna talk?"

"Bout what?"

"Whatever you like."

"You sure about that?" he laughed.

"That's why I'm here," she shrugged.

"Alright then," he said, dropping down. "Think you can talk and dance at the same time?"

_Really, right now?_

They engaged in some light, fisted combat. James was good, very good in-fact, but he was angry. This made him predictable. Shepard managed to avoid all but a few hits whilst listening to the events that led the Lieutenant to her Command, thus giving her a better insight into his reluctance for leaving Earth. By the end, both soldiers felt a little better on the inside, if not a little worse on the outside.

"We should do this again some time, Lola..." James remarked.

"Lola?"

"Yeah, when I was a kid, my friend had this sister..."

"Actually James, I don't want to know."

"Your loss," he grinned. "See you around Lola."

* * *

"Shepard, Is that little pyjack done with our cure yet?"

"Be nice Wrex, Mordin did lead us to Eve after all."

"Yeah well, he better pull through."

"Speaking of Eve, how are the two of you getting along?"

"Errrrmm...well...not too great."

"No?"

He let out a deep sigh. "She doesn't like me, Shepard."

The Commander restrained a creeping snicker. "Oh? Why's that?"

"I don't know, she's a woman. Who knows what goes on in their heads."

"Uh huh," Shepard mocked. "So, you going to take Garrus up on his offer, learn all the right lingo."

"Ah, what does Garrus know, he'll probably just make it worse."

"I don't know, he can be pretty charming."

"Hehehe, you've got a crush on the turian. What ever happened to your boyfriend, you know...whatzit, biotic kid?"

"Kaidan?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"He's in hospital."

"Oh...err..sorry."

"It's okay, he's not my boyfriend Wrex, neither is Garrus my secret love interest."

"Who said anything about secret? Hehehe."

"Shall we get back to your love life now?"

"I suppose so. I don't know what's wrong with her. She knows we're gonna get to it eventually. It's all part of the plan."

"Wrex, she's not going to respond to you while you're treating her like a baby machine."

"So...what should I talk to her about?"

"Her interests, you know, what she likes doing."

"Errr...sounds dumb, but okay. I trust you Shepard, I'll give it a shot."

"Good to hear."

"Oh, and hurry up and go save my scouts!"

* * *

"Mordin!"

"Can't talk Shepard. Busy, busy, busy."

"Okay then, but-"

"Can't talk Shepard."

"I know Mordin but just-"

"No time for talking. Hmmdeedaadoo"

"It's nice to see you again Mordin."

"...Greeting accepted and reciprocated. Now run along."

* * *

Shepard entered the Main battery with the little gift she planned on sharing with her turian officer. Surprisingly, he was nowhere to be seen. She opted to wait for him, placing the heavy pistol onto his work bench and testing out some attachments. She noticed a fold up bed, set up in the corner, covered by a single thin blanket and pillow. She couldn't help but find this rather endearing, if not a little saddening.

"Shepard?" the turian startled, entering. "Everything okay?"

"Actually, can you come back later Garrus. I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"Hilarious," he grinned, taking a place beside her. "And what is it you think you're calibrating."

She displayed the newly modified scorpion.

"Aww, baby human thinks sticking an omni blade on something means it's been calibrated."

_Okay, now he's not having it._

"A gun as powerful as this hardly needs a lot of work doing to it," she stated. "Wouldn't you agree Garrus?"

"Yeah...So...I take it you like your new weapon."

"Uh huhhhh."

"Didn't think it would be your kind of thing really. Pretty gruesome stuff, what with all those explosive properties."

"Aww," Shepard teased, jabbing her friend with the weapon. "Baby turian wants his Commander's gun."

"Could you not point that at me Shepard. You humans have far too many fingers for that to be considered safe."

"Don't worry, I've never accidentally shot one of my own. Which is more than can be said for you Archangel."

"I already explained that to you, I couldn't have the mercs getting suspicious. Besides I didn't even scratch you."

"Just my feelings."

"Sure," he said, giving her a light tap on the nose. "Now, about this gun..."

"Tell you what, I'll let you play with it if..."

"Forget it Shepard."

"What?"

"I'm not writing your reports."

"Come on, it's not even that bad."

"You do realize, asking one of your officers to complete your reports will warrant disciplinary action."

"You do realize the scorpion explodes anything it hits."

"Hmm...touché."

"Here, have it," she laughed. "Can't be getting ourselves detained now can we? Not with this damn war on."

"You sure?"

"Of course," she laughed. "I'm not quite as attached to weaponry as you are. Consider it a welcome home present."

"Did anybody get you anything?"

"I got you back," she smiled, kicking the turian lightly. "That's damn well good enough for me."

He smiled, taking one of her hands in his, very gently squeezing it. "We're going to win this thing, Shepard."

"I know," she bluffed, squeezing back.

* * *

The Commander made her way to the CIC to properly introduce herself to Comm specialist Traynor.

"Hello Commander, checking in on your new recruit?"

"Yes actually, how you settling in?"

"Brilliantly! I can't tell you what an honour it is to be serving under you."

"Glad to hear Trayor. I know a lot of the crew like to gather in the mess hall or lounge after hours. It might be a good way for you to familiarise yourself with everyone."

"Thank you Commander, I shall definitely do that. I'm looking forward to getting to know more on board."

"Well, let me know if you need anything. I'm going to have a quick chat with Primarch Victus."

"Oh Commander, before I forget, you received a new message."

"From who?"

"Ermm, it was...let me check. Oh yes, someone named Kaidan Alenko."


	7. Compassion

He lay watching life carry on. The weeping, the sighing, the laughing, the smiling, the fighting, the hugging. He could've stood here the same time last year and witnessed an identical play out, as he could the year before that and the year before that. They just didn't get it, or more likely didn't want to. It was sad. It needed to be different but it never would. The Citadel's inhabitants accommodated a very disillusioned sense of safety. They would ignore all warning, only caring to batter an eyelid once it had become far, far too late.

This was one of the reasons Kaidan seriously considered Udina's offer of spectre status. It was a way to make a difference with very little restriction. The proposal came as a surprise, anything from Udina came with a big fat self incentive, Kaidan knew that. Perhaps it was what made him wary of accepting, that, and he just couldn't shake the feeling it would be a disloyalty to Shepard somehow. She was the only human spectre, it felt a disservice to take that away from her.

He observed the woman enter his room. Her face met his with a smile, though far from the familiar smirk he'd grown accustomed to, it was sheepish and soft. Kaidan found this attractive, although there wasn't much on the woman he didn't. He'd often perceived her face to be that of a tapestry, tiny threads all happening to blend together perfectly to create the unblemished master piece that is her.

"Hey," she almost whispered. She had procrastinated this visit longer than what was deemed considerate. His physical state aired away a little guilt. He was a little bruised but appeared fine.

"Hi Shepard. Take a seat," he spoke, gesturing towards the bedside chair Udina had recently occupied.

She hesitated before complying, pulling out the only item available for purchase from the gift department. "I got you a little pick me up."

"Whisky?"

"Something to ease the boredom."

"Thanks, that's er...great," he said placing the bottle to his side. "I'm not sure it's going to mix well with my meds though."

"Yeah...I'll find you something else."

"It's fine Shepard. To be honest, I'm just glad you came."

"You didn't think I would?"

"Well...after our fight and everything, I wasn't really sure were things stood between us."

It shocked her to think he thought so little of her, however she wasn't going to let this be mentioned, she didn't want this conversation to turn into anything emotionally driven. She came to apologise, she was going to keep a calm head and do just that.

"I'm glad you're okay Kaidan. I should have had my guard up, it's not right what happened to you. I'm sorry."

"I'm a soldier Shepard," he shrugged. "I don't expect to leave every fight unscratched."

She nodded, not sure what else to say.

"How are things on the Normandy?" Kaidan asked, breaking silence.

"Good," she replied, anticipating an uncomfortable amount of small talk coming up. "I've got Wrex and Garrus on board, also I've just spoken to Dr. Chakwas, she's looking forward to returning."

"Her and Dr Michel have been helping with my treatment."

"Oh? That's...nice," she commented. "Sooo, you must be getting pretty restless huh? Ever consider sneaking out?"

"Yeah, I'm anxious to get moving, get on to my next assignment. I could probably get away with discharging myself now, but you know, do something right or don't do it all...right Shepard?"

_Coming in loud and clear, Kaidan._

"Yeah...well, unless of course the situation depends on it. Say for example...I don't know, countless lives of innocents hang in the balance."

"There's always another way. Cutting corners will only get you so far."

"See any collectors lately? I'd say I got pretty far."

Kaidan scoffed. She was so blatant about her dealings, never properly explaining them, not even caring to confirm her allegiance with Cerberus was over. It was so unfair, the love of his life was sat right beside him, and yet he barely recognised her. He just wanted a little remorse, a little display of the person he used to know. "Are you ever going to give me a straight answer?"

"To what question exactly?"

"Cerberus conducted sick experiments, they're thieves, murderers, xenophobic supremacists, yet they gave you everything, a ship, a crew, resources."

"I didn't hear a question in that."

"My question, Shepard," he scowled "Is what were you doing with a group of terrorists, for a year?"

"You saw exactly what I was doing, you were on Horizon with me remember?"

"...I am sorry for how that went down. I was angry with you."

"Angry at me for being alive?"

"Angry at you for...dying. Two years...I mean...I needed you."

Shepard wished she was a better person, she wished Kaidan's statement arose compassion in her, but it didn't. It infuriated her.

"You needed me? How the hell do you think I felt?"

"I don't know, that's the thing. You never tell me anything!"

"Well, you can assume your casual discarding of me touched a nerve."

"What would you have done if it had been me with Cerberus?"

"The fact you're even asking shows how little you know me, Kaidan."

"So no loyalty to the Alliance?"

"I'm not even going to touch the subject of loyalty with you. I would have heard you out, I would have at least given you that."

"Hiiii Kaidan." A young human female entered, dressed with a standard Huerta memorial uniform. One of the nurses, Shepard assumed. "Oh, you have company! I'm so sorry. I just came to give you your meds."

"It's fine Emily," Kaidan assured, tone contradicting his statement.

Shepard watched the curvy blonde move forward, walking as if it were an art form. She gave Shepard a quick once over, measuring up contest between the soldier and herself.

"And how are you feeling today, mister?" she asked, eyes scoping the bare torso of her favourite patient.

Shepard almost scoffed at her professionalism.

"Not bad," he said. "My head's still a little sore, but getting better I think."

Shepard's conscious pricked, rebuking her for not having asked the Major how he was.

"Aww, well don't worry. You'll be out of here before you know it. I'll sneak you some extra meds." She laughed far too loud for a joke that was her own.

Kaidan gave a small laugh. "Thanks Emily, good to see you again."

The room silenced a short while, the nurse apparently not aware of obvious medical courtesy, that being, respecting privacy between patient and visitor.

"So whose your little friend then?" the nurse asked, in a tone that was growing increasingly annoying. "Are you a soldier too?"

"Shepard," the Commander simply nodded.

"Shepard? Oh proper military lingo I see. What's your first name?"

"Just, Shepard," the spectre replied, rubbing her temple.

"Oh I see...Well maybe I should start calling you Alenko huh?" she laughed proudly at this breakthrough.

"Why not?" Kaidan smiled. "Shepard is in Command of the SSV Normandy. She's a spectre."

"Oooo, a specter?" Emily bubbled excitedly. "Well maybe you should take her with you on your missions next time. He was attacked by a robot, you know?"

"Uh huh," Shepard mumbled, recalling the first basic teaching of her military training.

_We do not hit civilians, we do not hit civilians._

Kaidan questioned his Commander's apparent indifference, idly fantasising she may be jealous, although this was doubtful. She'd made her feelings clear enough by now.

"Well I have to hop to it," Emily bounced, lingering to take one last eyeful of the Major's generously toned form. "Nice to meet you...Shepard. Oh it just feels so weird to say. If you won't tell me your name, I'll have to think up one for you."

Shepard gave off a polite a smile as she could manage. "By the way, next time you swing by, be sure to bring the Major a shirt, it's chilly in here."

"Erm...yes I suppose, although I could just turn up the heat."

_I bet you could._

"A shirt will be fine."

The nurse nodded timidly and left the room, feeling like a child caught candy handed.

"You didn't have to do that Shepard, I'm not cold."

"Feels damn cold to me."

"Right...so listen, I wanted to ask you something." The Major inhaled deeply. "Has there been anyone...special in your life, after us I mean."

"Not really," she shrugged.

"Not really?"

"No. Been kinda busy."

"Me neither. Look before things get heated again, there was a reason I asked you to come. On Mars my life flashed before my eyes, and I saw...well, I just want you to know I still care," he spoke softly, placing a hand over hers.

"I care about you too Kaidan, of course I do," she replied slipping her hand back. "I've been worried."

Her response wasn't exactly what Kaidan wanted to hear, but then, he wasn't entirely sure of what he did want.

"Well, that's good to know Shepard."

"Will you knock that off Kaidan."

"Knock what off?"

"Acting like I don't give a damn."

"Shepard, again it all comes down to Cerberus, and that you haven't explained it to me. I haven't spoken to you properly in years. I don't know how you feel about me or about anything. I can't just trust you because you're you. That would be thoughtless.

"Far be it, for you to be thoughtless, Kaidan."

"I think you should just leave, Shepard."

"Yep."

She held position once she'd reached the doorway, wondering if she should just tell him everything, put his mind at ease, reassure him her ties with Cerberus were well and truly cut. She just...couldn't bring herself to, she just didn't feel she owed him it. However his welfare was important to her, she'd valued his friendship and intimacy at an uncertain time. She owed him something, she just wasn't sure what.

"Despite what you think, Kaidan, I haven't forgotten what we shared, my memories are still my own. I didn't simply fall asleep in your arms one day and wake up the next not caring whether you lived or died."

A great sadness washed over him.

"Take care, Major,"

"You too, Commander."


	8. Blowing off Steam

_Darkness, all just darkness. No way out, no apparent way in, just here. Tranquil? No, too many whispers. Peaceful? No, not safe._

"_Shepard."_

"_Shepard."_

_No voice to respond, mute. Slow to turn, slow to reason._

"_The right choice."_

_Ashley's voice. Choice? Bad choice? Impossible choice. My choice._

"_Help me."_

_Nobody to help, nobody here. Just darkness._

"_Over here."_

"_Shepard."_

_Loud, close, angry._

"_Why?"_

_No voice, can't explain, could not anyway._

"_I died."_

_Voice behind, slow to turn, Ashley, different, face white, eyes dark._

"_Why?"_

"_Reach to touch, too slow, she's fast, she's behind again._

"_Why?"_

_Her voice distorting now, such rage, cannot explain to her._

"_Tell me why!"_

_Loved him? No, never loved, cared, cared for both, impossible choice._

"_Your fault."_

_Yes_

_She's touching me, I can't feel, her face bubbling now, skin melting, burning, dying._

"_Die with me."_

_Liquefying, pulling me, no strength, can't fight back._

"_Die!"_

_No, not yet, reapers, Earth, must fight her._

_She melts, grasp gone, alone now, presence? crying, child? Elliott._

_Must find him, save him, too slow, cannot reach, does not trust me, keeps running, hides._

"_Shepard."_

_Ashley? Where? In front, hateful, Elliot cries, she hears, she smiles, she's looking._

_He's in danger, she's fast, she'll find him, Elliott? Elliott? Can't call, no voice._

_She grabs him, he's crying, she's smiling._

"_Go back and get the Lieutenant!"_

_She melts, he screams, he melts with her, must save him, can't move, can't speak, need help, I am help..._

_They're gone, melted, everything melts, drowning now, can't breath, can't grasp, fading, dying, afraid..._

Retching stomach pain jerked the Commander to reality. Esophagus burning heavily as she paced to the bathroom, promptly rejecting everything recently ingested.

She slouched back trying to regain control over her shivering body, but it wouldn't stop. An itching heat overwhelmed her core. She pulled her buckling knees to form and hit the shower, allowing cool water to neutralise the burning flesh of her face and arms. The mirror instantly revealed her dilemma, Shepard wondered how she could have missed it. The rash of her arm had penetrated every term of the word 'deteriorated.' It was a mess, it was a dark, growing mess. She scratched until blood warned her off. Heaving once more, she brought herself to the elevator outside.

"Crew...deck," she ordered, collapsing to her knees, vision wavering.

The doors opened in sight of the KIA memorial wall. Shepard's body protested standing but lacked her mind's cooperation. She didn't crawl for anybody, especially not some reaper created filth.

The med-bay eventually came to distance. Her mind unable to contemplate appreciation of it's being void. She reached for the cabinet containing the formulas Liara had made up. She had to focus all strength to steady her shaking hand, allowing accurate vein incision. She couldn't do it, her body was simply too defiant.

_Damn it! Come on, come...on._

Her vision blurred further, grasp of the needle weakened, her body slumped to the floor, her breathing heavied, she felt empty, she felt...different.

"Shepard!"

_Garrus._

The turian rushed to his Commander's side, crouching to level.

"Edi, get Chakwas in her-"

"No," Shepard protested, displaying the syringe in hand. "Just help me."

"You need this?" he asked, taking it. "You sure?"

"Pretty...sure, Garrus."

He clamped a hand over her arm, pressing firmly, restricting her shake. He pulled it to a stretch, before piercing the woman. He observed the dim of eyes sharpen, heard her breathing soften.

"Thanks..." she exhaled, deciding to wait a moment before attempting to stand.

"Yeah...so, something I should know?"

"Just something I haven't gotten round to sorting, that's all," she informed, content over the easiness of speech returning.

"Just one of those things, huh?"

"Yeah."

"No, Shepard."

Garrus was only too aware of his friend's tendency to self neglect, particularly in cases where her attention was demanded a thousand times elsewhere. Then again, he had never know her not to be in such circumstances.

She gave him a quick warning glance, she was in no mood to be fussed, or lectured.

"How did you you manage getting bitten by a husk?" he asked, noticing the obscenity of her arm.

"You've seen it before?"

"Yeah...you need to take care of that, Shepard."

"I know."

"Sure you do."

"Why are you are up anyway?" she asked, "What time is it?"

"Late. I heard you. You could have called for help."

"No need, I had it under control."

He sighed, annoyed by her dismissal, he knew she wouldn't always be as lucky. Three years ago had shocked the galaxy into the reality they'd all avoided. Commander Shepard was not invincible, though apparently someone had yet to tell her of this.

Garrus rose, along with the spectre, dizziness almost dropping her down to place.

"It wouldn't hurt to have someone look you over."

"Garrus."

"Shepard."

"I'm not worrying the crew over nothing. I'm fine, just a little unsteady on my feet. I'm going right now to lie down."

"Of course you are."

"Are you going to help me to my cabin or not?"

He sighed, putting an arm around the woman, allowing her to lean against him. They tried a couple of steps before it became apparent her feet were not going to be offering any support.

"Here," said Garrus, taking his spare arm behind her knees, releasing her body of the burden of gravity.

"Must you?" she groaned.

"Apparently so."

The Commander surrendered, placing her arms around the officers rough textured neck, allowing him to passage her out of the room.

"Hmm..." he uttered.

"What?"

"You're not as heavy as I imagined."

"I never asked," she glared.

He grinned down at her, she tried to repress mirroring him, but couldn't.

"Erm, I think you took a wrong turn, Garrus."

"You can rest up in the main battery. Nobody comes in here anyway. You'll have your privacy."

"Uh...not that I don't appreciate the offer, but why aren't we going to my room?"

"Because, we both know you're not going to rest. Here, I can make sure you do."

"Really, Garrus?"

"Really, Shepard."

She silently brewed over debatable points on why this was entirely unnecessary, in an attempt to relay these and change the turian's heart, though her damn body's unsteadiness was not going to be offering any support to this argument. Once inside the battery Garrus carried her to a corner and placed her down on his still made bed. Shepard wondered if he had slept at all.

"Here you go."

"And where were you planning on sleeping?"

"I've slept plenty."

"Garrus."

"Shepard."

"This really is unnecessary."

"Look, you can either stay here and allow your old friend a little peace of mind, or we could go wake a certain salarian, who I'm sure would be more than willing to take a look at you."

"And why don't I have a choice in this?"

"I just gave you a choice. Keep up, Shepard."

"You are the most insolent turian I know."

"Really? And who are these other turians you know?"

"Well...there's the Councillor and the Primarch, and...that's beside the point. All those submissive, well-trained turians out there, and I go and recruit Garrus Vakarian."

"And I get stuck with a CO who spends more time worrying over that...rodent thing in her room than her own actual well being."

"I guess we both have our burdens to bear."

"I guess so."

She smiled up at him. The familiarity of his face, even in dim light, was a comfort. Guilt had long been her Achilles heel, she just, didn't deal well with it. The trait had disturbed her nights on many occasion. After Virmire. After choosing the Council's lives over many. After Horizon, having someone she knew confirm the potential immorality of what she was doing. Still, she hadn't dreamt of Ashley in a while. She cursed Kaidan Alenko for getting under her skin yesterday, she cursed herself more for letting him. This she was sure had only contributed disturbance of her subconscious. "So, Garrus. Were you just going to watch me sleep or...?"

"Tempting, but no, I'll be right over there.

"Calibrating?"

"Amongst other things. Don't worry, you won't even know I'm here."

She pulled the thin, cotton blanket over herself, showing the turian she planned on staying, though she sensed her wooziness had now passed.

"I'm going to fetch you some water, don't go anywhere," he ordered, tapping her nose.

"I won't," she yawned. "And...thanks for this, Garrus."

"Just doing my part for the Galaxy. Anything happens to you and we lose a rather large war asset."

"You'd manage."

"I'd rather not, if it's all the same."

"Well, don't worry, I intend on sticking around."

"I'll hold you to that."

* * *

"Edi, where's Garrus?" Shepard asked, awakening on perhaps the most uncomfortable bed she'd ever had the misfortune to lay upon.

"In the war room, he has been consulting with Primarch Victus. He is now heading towards the CIC."

"Damn it! Thanks, Edi."

The Commander hastened to her feet, knocking a shin into a metallic railing in the process. "Ouch!" She sped through the battery doors, slowing into a paced walk through the mess hall, which currently occupied a full crew tucking into their breakfasts.

"Good morning, Commander!"

"Hi Commander!"

"Great work on Surkesh, Commander!"

"Morning," she cheered, trying to ignore the fact she was stood in shorts. Her pace again quickened as she turned out of sight. "Urgh, damn elevator, open!"

"The elevator is in use, Shepard," informed Edi.

"By...?"

"Garrus."

_Damn it. What ever happened to those stairs we use to have._

She ran towards the lounge. "Come on! Why is this locked Edi?"

"It is procedure to keep alcoh-"

"Never mind, just open it."

"Of course. One moment, Shepard."

She heard the elevator swoosh open, she dived quickly into the room next to her, that being, the mens restroom. "Phew."

"Lola?" smirked the topless soldier, back toward her, front toward a urinal, objective 'in hand.'

"James," she nodded.

"Sooo..."

"Think I may have taken a wrong turn."

"Didn't just follow me in here?"

"I can think of better ways to get my thrills, Vega."

"So...why aren't you leaving?"

"Hmm...I was just taking a moment to...uhh..."

"Shepard, the elevator is now vacant," came Edi's voice. "Also the women's restroom is on the starboard side of the ship."

"Yeah, thanks. Nice seeing you Lieutenant, keep up the good...work."

"See ya Shepard, you come back any time, now."

The Commander took herself to first floor, showering and suiting up."Garrus, James, meet me on the shuttle in five," she called over the comm. She was glad to be going to Tuchanka, she almost welcomed the thought of reaper swarms, a good opportunity to let off some stress. Physically she felt fine, though she hadn't wanted to risk her turian friend not believing that, and keeping her bed bound longer. The rash of her arm had all but faded, it was kind of fascinating really, well, at least it would be if not for the impending death and all. She sighed knowing her body was not going to let her procrastinate the lengthy treatment. She would have to spare a day next time they were docked at the Citadel.

* * *

Tuchanka was in fact, reaper swarmed. Charging in was out of the question, flanking offered their best solution, though this was slow, and Shepard, was not in a patient mood. Primarch Victus had refused to divulge much information as to why he had a group of turian soldiers, his son included, on the richly rubbled planet. All she knew was they required extraction. The mission was taking it's toll. They had been here for what seemed an eternity, mostly waiting in silence. This was, much to her displeasure, giving the Commander's thoughts ample opportunity to arise.

"Where are these turians, anyway?" moaned James, as the three knelt dormant in cover yet again, scoping out a particularly large group of cannibals.

"Damned if I know," she replied, choosing not to meet her Lieutenant's eyes, the knowing smirks were getting old. "Any ideas, Garrus?"

"Lying in unmarked graves I assume. Victus' son is damn incompetent."

"You know him?"

"Know of him. He tries to imitate Daddy's tactics in clever strategy. All it does is bite him and his inferiors in the ass."

"Great," she sighed. "Let's just keep looking. We don't need anyone dying today."

Ashley Williams lay on the Commander's mind. Ashley was a woman who Shepard had not gotten on well with, her outspoken views on aliens had often caused a clash. Still, when it came to it, that moment, that choice, Shepard had instantly disregarded personal opinion of the woman, and instead could only think of Ashley's sisters, Ashley's humour, her beliefs. She was a person, a soul whose life hung on a single command. And Kaidan, same dilemma, family back home, rough childhood. She had made a point of getting to know her crew, now she would pay for that. Although Kaidan and herself had become involved with one another at that point, it just didn't seem to register. Here were two people who'd served under her command for almost a year, she just couldn't call it. So, she let arithmetic decide. Ashley was further away, Kaidan's chance's of survival were higher, so she chose. She chose to end a life.

"I'm sick of waiting around." announced Shepard suddenly, jumping her male comrades. "I'll go in and draw attention, you two fire from here when their backs are turned, got it?"

Before either had a chance to answer, she was gone. A flash of bullets followed, she kept the creatures at bay with her pistol, running far ahead, letting her soldiers snipe the back of their turned heads.

"Damn it, Shepard!" Garrus called into his comm. He understood her impatience, but quite frankly, she knew better.

There were more cannibals than she'd anticipated, husks too. The majority had been under radar, consuming corpses on the ground. When she'd gotten far enough away she took out her assault riffle. It felt good to shoot something, especially multiple times over. As ammunition depleted, not seeing more available in reach, she opted for her omni-tool blade. She allowed herself to become surrounded, better able to slash and pierce so close. Her plan quickly and dangerously began to back fire. She could handle the melee, but her shields were barely taking the brunt of the remaining armed hostiles.

"Keep sniping!" Garrus ordered the Lieutenant, before sprinting to aid his Commander. Using his own assault rifle he proceeded to take the pressure off his friend, careful to avoid her shields. The reaper majority turned to him, while James got in some good shots from distance. Using the last of his ammo, Garrus shot his way into the circle consuming the woman, "Showing us how it's done, Shepard?"

"That was the plan," she exhaled.

The friends posed back to back, their arms tiring as they hit after hit. With the help of James, enemy numbers eventually began to subside, before disappearing completely.

"Woah, Lola!" The Lieutenant whistled. "What was that? Pretty crazy ass."

"Hey, over here!" the multiple rumble of turian came.

"Finally," Shepard remarked. "Come on, let's get them and get the hell home."

* * *

"Garrus, may I have a word?"

"Actually Liara, I'm just in the middle of something," he explained, having barely gotten back onto the Normandy, instantly greeted with a thousand strategic related messages at his console, each more desperate and demanding than the last.

"I know you've just gotten back from Tuchanka, but this won't take long."

He sighed, turning attention to her, hoping she wasn't about to talk feelings about Palaven again. "How can I help you?"

"Well...it's Shepard."

"What about her?"

"I'm worried about her."

"How so?"

"I don't know if you've noticed but she's not really been herself lately."

"It's the war, Liara. None of us are the best representations of ourselves right now."

"No. There's more to it, she was fine earlier. I think it may have something to do with her visit with Kaidan."

"Alenko?"

"Yes, she went to see him at the hospital yesterday. I think it may have dampened her spirits."

"I can't really comment on that."

"I've tried asking about it, but she simply dismisses the topic."

"There's your answer, Liara. She doesn't want to talk. Just leave her be."

"Distractions can be dangerous at a time like this. Aren't you worried?"

"Shepard knows her limits. Whatever it is bothering her, she'll shake off."

"How can she, if she won't talk about it?"

"Through combat probably. We aren't exactly lacking for it at the moment."

"That seems rather risky, especially with her focus being off. James told me there was an incident on Tuchanka."

"Not an incident, as such."

"Please just see if she'll talk, I know she feels close to you. Isn't it worth trying?"

"There's no need, Liara."

"Well, how do you manage? With...Palaven, how do you keep your focus?"

"I...hmm, that gives me an idea."

* * *

"You're wanting to spar? Right now?" Shepard asked the turian stood at her cabin door.

"You sparred with James, although I suppose he is human, fair game and all."

"Racial jabs, really? You think I can be so easily manipulated?"

"It's okay if you don't want to play with the big species. I'd be a little intimidated myself."

"Uh-huh, and...what is it I should be intimated by here?"

"Well, between you and me... I'm Archangel."

"I know, I saved his ass."

"Let's not go there shall we? I'd say I've saved your ass more times this week than you ever have mine."

"Just keeping you on your toes."

"I like being on my soles just fine, just so you know, Shepard."

"Uh-huh. So, sparring?"

"Thought it might do us some good, ease a little tension together."

"I seem to recall you turning down the suggestion when I brought it to you."

"Uhh...when was this?"

"Cerberus? You were telling me about your little fraternization encounter. What was it? You had reach, she had flexibility."

"Oh, that. Right."

"I asked if you wanted me to help you get rid of some tension, you said you didn't want to be added to the list of people I'd knocked on their ass.

"Tense time, had to keep your confidence up."

"Thanks, but I'm plenty confident."

"Show me."

"You're on. Shall I meet you in the shuttle bay?"

"Hmm...too crowded. What about the cargo? Plenty of room, plus we'll have privacy."

"You're wanting privacy, Garrus?"

"Sure, you know, can't have the crew loosing faith in Commander Shepard now, can we?"

"That ego of yours, It will be nice humbling it a little."

"Are we just going to trash talk this thing out? Or will there actually be any physicality involved?"

"I'll get ready."

"Good, meet you down there."

* * *

The woman entered the chilled room of the port cargo, exchanging eye contact with her casually dressed opponent. She let out a playful smirk, directing her gaze up and down his body. "Garrus," she nodded.

"Shepard."

She advanced closer, offering a hand. "May the best soldier win."

He grinned receiving her shake, both exerting more force than necessary, basic intimidation tactics, though neither needed it, both thoroughly aware of what their competitor would be offering.

"What, no smart ass remark, Garrus?"

He let out a small scoff. He could see it in her face, she was exceedingly confident. If all went to plan, she was about to be exceedingly disappointed. Garrus' eyes ran over her, the sports bra and jogger bottoms she'd chosen enabled view of her stomach. A protrusion of rib and hip bones blanketed in tight skin. This momentarily faltered his focus. Thoughts went to the blade of talons occupying each hand. Her body would hardly forgive a miss-aimed shot. Garrus would not forget his first time apprehending a human drug dealer. The dumb ass had flinched to make a run for it. Garrus had swiftly grabbed for him. He remembered well the burst of blood, the scream of pain. He'd stabbed right through the criminal's arm. The officer bore no sympathy for a man making a living at the expense of dependant adolescents, however, it had made him think twice when it came to humans.

"Cheking me out, Vakarian?" she bounced, shifting weight between each foot. She was clearly buzzed. "Why so quiet?"

"Just scoping out your weak spots."

"Found any?"

"I guess we'll find out."

Taking the spectre down was not going to be easy, Garrus held no delusion over this. However, if Liara was right, she was going to be easy to enrage, hence, easy to predict. He just had to make sure he got in the first couple of shots.

The two began circling one another, raising fists defensively, eyes locked. Shepard grinned waiting for him to lunge, he didn't. He was playing the same game she was. "This is fun, we should do things like this more often."

"Why don't you hold judgement on that."

"Oh the arrogance of you," she laughed.

"With good reason."

"You got a bite with that bark, Vakarian?"

He smirked. It would almost be a shame to dent her little ego_. _"I could do this all day," he practically yawned.

"As could I," she bluffed, anxious to get started.

He let out a small laugh. "So, feeling okay, Shepard? Over your little episode?"

"Yup. Healthy as can be."

"Where did you get yourself off to this morning?"

"Captian's cabin, it being my ship and all."

"You spend the night, and don't even stay for breakfast? I feel so violated."

"If I recall, you were nowhere to be seen. That one's on you, turian."

"That one? You mean there's going to be more late nights?"

"Yeah," she laughed. "Though we should probably crack it up a notch. Watch movies, eat popcorn, swap stories."

"Oh good. I'll have this great one of how I annihilated this overly confident human on her own ship."

"Think I've heard that one, though I'm sure it ends differently."

"Ooo, there's that trash talk again. You're reaaalllyy riling me up, Shepard."

The turian strode coolly as ever. The Commander recognised that same precision in him when engaging hostiles. Eyes fixed, focused, intense. He sprung forward so suddenly, jabbing her shoulder, jumping straight back to place as if he hadn't moved at all.

"Focus," he scorned, grinning.

He saw the surprise of her face, the crinkle of her nose. He hadn't caught her hard. He didn't need to hurt her, he needed to get her angry.

He took a slow step forward, tempting her out. She took it, directing a fist to his chest, he grabbed her arm, then the other as she tried again. He pulled her towards him letting their faces stand inches apart. "Predictable," he grinned, pushing her back to place.

She aimed a hard kick at his leg, he avoided it. Using his own foot, he kicked her back to the wall. "Sloppy," he taunted, amused over her annoyance.

"If you're not going to hit me, it's not going to work," she gritted.

"Do you expect your enemies to be as courteous?"

"I expect my enemies to attack me."

"As you wish." She had no time to react before the turian had her pinned against a wall, arm pressing above her chest, his hand resting demonstratively across her abdomen. "I've just shot you in the stomach." She pushed him back angrily before lunging, only to have her jabs blocked. She went in hard for his face, he dodged, moving behind, his front pressed to her back, his arm around her neck, able to feel her elated pulse. "Now I've slit your throat."

She struck an elbow hard into his rib cage, and moved out of reach. "Enough with the lessons, Garrus," she seethed.

He grinned, he bluffed hitting her, making her dodge to the side, where she was promptly tripped to the floor. "The great Commander Shepard," he boomed.

She exhaled, she was about infuriated. She got to her feet, continuing their duel, strike after strike, block after block.

"We can stop if you like?" he mocked.

She knew she was playing right into his hands, getting far too antagonised to focus. But she didn't care. She wanted to wipe the smug off his face.

Garrus deemed she'd become nicely enraged at this point, pushing one last button should do it. He dropped his arms making her go for him. He jumped to the side letting her weight push her forward. He kicked behind her knees causing her to fall on them. He stomped a foot on her back.

"On your knees, human," he whispered.

Rage flooded, then began to subside when she realised what he'd being doing. She smiled. He wasn't provoking her so he could win, he was letting her blow off steam.

Her blood calmed. She used the back of her foot to kick his shin before jumping up and grabbing his raised leg, causing him to slam to the floor. She stomped a foot on his chest. "On your ass, turian." she whispered.

He grinned, swiping her leg, leaping up, going for her stomach. She span out of reach, kicked him in the side. He turned to punch, she blocked with one hand, struck his chin with the other.

"What's the matter, Archangel? Need me to fetch your big old rifle?"

_Annnd, she's back. Time to step it up a notch._

The friends continued their display for a while, striking and ducking. The spectre saw an opportunity. She let her guard down, allowing the turian to pin her against a wall. She smirked raising a knee warningly to his middle.

"Ooo, now I've just kneed you in the crotch," she taunted, watching his eyes widen hilariously. "Don't worry Garrus, your assets are safe," she assured lowering her leg.

"Much appreciated," he coughed.

She pushed him back, used a leg to trip him to the ground. He held on, causing her to fall on top of him.

"Cheap," she exhaled.

"You're giving me pointers, now?"

"I never needed them," she grumbled, digging an elbow into him.

"Ouch. I know, don't worry, you'll always be big bad Commander Shepard in my eyes."

"You know, Garrus. I could just fire you, save myself a lot of sass."

"Yeah, you could, Shepard, but we both know you're not going to," he grinned, reaching up, tapping her nose. "I'm too good a shot."

"That you are," she smiled down at him, refraining running a hand over his scarring, having always been tempted.

"Ahem, soooo...all steamed out?"

"Rather."

"And it looks like you regained a few IQ points in the process."

"Nasty, nasty turian."

"Heavy, heavy human."

"Pftt. Try lifting you over the edge of the collector base."

"Many thanks."

She laughed, moving a leg round, taking herself off him.

"So, who won this thing, Shepard?" he asked, as she helped him to foot.

She threw a look.

"Oh, right. Of course."

"We'll rematch another time, maybe when I'm a little more focused, huh, Garrus?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Shepard."

"Uh-huh," she grinned, as the two made their way towards the elevator. "Well, I'm going to go finish up some paper work. How about you?"

"I've got a few things to take care of. Need to check if my...Dad and Sister have been, uh..."

"Hey, want to come up with me?"

"And help you with your paper work?"

"No, doof. I'll be done soon, we could have a couple of drinks, talk reapers. You know, stuff."

"Sounds...great actually."

"I just need to have a chat with Allers while I'm down here. Got a few boundary issues to clear up. Why did I ever let that woman aboard? Anyway, meet you in ten?"

"Sure, I'll bring the wine." he said, stepping in front of the lift.

"Just make sure it won't kill me."

"Don't worry, Shepard. I'm sure I can get hold of some of your baby species alcohol."

She kicked him before heading towards Aller's hideout, surprisingly feeling the leathery texture of turian grip her arm.

"Yeah, Garrus?" she inquired, turning to him.

She witnessed his inhale. "Are you...okay, Shepard?"

She wondered a moment if he was referring to the match, though quickly realised he was asking about a whole lot more. "I'm okay, Garrus," she assured, squeezing a hand on his arm. His discernment for asking this now rather than in her cabin had not gone unnoticed.

"I thought you might be," he grinned "But, if you ever do want to talk, well...I'm always here."

She smiled fondly at him."Likewise, Garrus. Thanks for today, and you know...last night. Appreciate it."

He stroked a finger down her arm, taking in that strange feel of human, the vulnerability almost causing him to shudder. "Well...ahem, as you pointed out, you did throw yourself down for me at the collector base, I kind of owe you."

She smiled into the eyes she'd grown so accustomed to over passing years. So sharp, so alien, and yet, so able to emit a sense of home. The shade of blue that never left her life. "I guess, you kind of do."

He grinned, pausing a moment before taking a step back towards the elevator. "I'll let you get back to Allers. See you upstairs?"

"Yeah, won't be long."

"Oh, and Shepard?"

"Mmm?"

"Your skin is very baby like."

"Goodbye, Garrus."


	9. Drinks

"Toughest mission?"

"Horizon. Yours?" The turian asked, leaning across the padded couch, pouring the human her third glass of the evening. Both felt relaxed, muscles significantly eased having showered and changed out of sparring gear into preferred wear. Garrus into black and white casuals, Shepard into her favoured N7 jacket, combats and tank top.

"Probably taking down that asari spectre," she answered, slouching back, starting to feel that familiar prelude of haze. "Tela Vasir."

"Well," he remarked, taking of his own drink. "You will go and drop your thermal clips."

"Hostage," she stated as way of explanation.

Garrus nodded, though questioned if his own judgement would have been as morally swayed. Witnessing his commander's resolution of ridiculously no-winning situations had often caused him to wonder. She certainly didn't take the easy route, many had their lives to thank for this. "Nice to see you haven't changed anyway," he grinned, noting her enthusiastic consumption. "You remember your little restroom incident? I don't suppose you would, being...jolly, as you were."

"Puking krogan liquor at Darkstar? Yeah...not gonna forget that in a hurry. Still, seeing Miranda wince addressing me as Commander afterwards? Kinda worth the hangover from hell."

"Didn't she always wince calling you Commander?"

"Yeah," she smirked. "I heard from her actually, Thane too. Miranda's got some information of sorts she wants to discuss, and Thane...well, he's not doing too good. I'm hoping to go see them after this genophage business is done."

"Curing the genophage," Garrus baffled, "Now there's something with the potential to bite us in the ass."

"I don't think the krogan will be making the same mistakes. I think they'd be too concerned over getting reinfected by the salarians. Besides, I'm hoping Wrex and Eve can push them in a new direction."

"One without violence preferably," Garrus said, watching his commander close her eyes and sink further back, almost fooling a state of contentment, though given away by the blink of concern that's never quite absented her face. "Shepard?"

"Mmm?"

"There's something I wanted to-"

"Commander," Edi's voice echoed. "Sorry to disturb you. I have a matter requiring your attention."

"What's up Edi?" she asked, offering her friend a look of apology.

"Crew members on deck three are complaining of noise. I have tried to inform the individuals responsible for the disturbance, but they are unwilling to cease activity."

"For goodness sake. Thanks Edi, I'll be down in a sec." she assured, turning attention back to conversation. "Sorry Garrus, you were saying?"

"Not important," he dismissed. "It can wait."

"Sure?"

"Definitely. Don't worry, Shepard."

"Alright. Let's go pay my crew a visit."

* * *

The alcohol and alien acoustics touched the commander's senses. The lounge's occupants, Joker, James, Cortez, Wrex and Mordin had not noticed her presence. She smirked, gesturing Garrus to the sound system. The sudden extinction of sound threw the men's attention from their poker game and onto the angry looking woman in the doorway. "Would somebody like to tell me what the hell is going on?" she spoke in a voice that wasn't shouting, but still inclined much consideration.

"Uhh...we were..." James babbled.

"You were...?" the spectre demanded, crossing arms, shifting weight to one hip.

"Uhh..."

Shepard's release of laughter brought all present to relief. "Aw, dammit, couldn't keep it straight."

"Hilarious," Joker muttered.

"But!" she exclaimed. "You _are_ being loud. The crew quarters is only down the hall. Keep it down or turn in. And Joker, don't ignore Edi! I'm surprised at you."

"Yes Ma'am," he mumbled, before Shepard and Garrus joined their crew around the table.

"So come on seriously," Shepard remarked. "What's with the cheer? Thought you were all moping."

"We're celebrating curing the genophage!" Wrex boomed, slamming a fist down, causing his cards to flip over.

"A little premature maybe?" Garrus suggested.

No! Mordin's going to get it done, aren't you pyjack!"

"Affirmative, cure ready for immediate dispersal."

"Didn't expect to see you here, Mordin." Shepard grinned.

"Wrex's idea, wanted more information on Eve, filling him in. Good time to socialise, crew hopeful, figure if can cure genophage, anything possible."

"That anything includes taking back Earth!" James stammered.

"What you drinking Commander, Garrus?" Cortez asked, getting to his feet.

"Wev'e already-"started Garrus.

"Bring out that bottle of Irish cream we have," requested Shepard. Garrus threw her a surprised look. "What? It would be rude not to."

"I guess it would," he grinned. "Got any turian brandy back there, Lieutenant?"

"Sure do," he confirmed.

"So," Shepard addressed her crew mates. "We all enjoying life back on the Normandy?"

"Well, I'm not," Wrex stated. "Stinks of turian, haha."

Garrus scoffed. "It's funny, you'd think if krogan noses could adapt enough to cope with their own smell, they'd be able put up with anything."

"Ehh, you're still a smart ass, Garrus."

"And you're still trying."

"Alright boys," Shepard grinned, receiving her drink off Steve. "Play nice now."

"Krogan and turian animosity deep, Shepard," Mordin related. "Cannot simply play nice."

"Ahh, I don't mind." Wrex grinned. "Shepard's just defending her boyfriend. Haha."

She glared at him over her drink.

"Come again?" the turian puzzled.

"Garrus and Shepard not mates, Wrex." Mordin corrected. "Shepard slow to trust Cerberus, Garrus too. Need social comfort. Bond inevitable."

"Right..." said Shepard. "So, if we're all done with the psychology lesson, what else we talking about?"

"Kaidan," Joker grinned.

"Of course we are," she sighed.

"Well, I mean, you know, pretty big news."

Garrus guessed from Shepard's face that she was just as confused as he was. Though, he knew she would hardly admit to this. "What's this about Alenko now?" he asked.

"Uh, duh, he's been appointed a spectre." Joker informed.

Shepard sputtered on her drink. "He's been what now?!" All six men stared at her. "I mean, that's...nice, a little unexpected maybe. I suppose he did _help_ take down Saren, and, you know...other stuff."

"Hey, just think Commander." Joker smirked. "You two could have like your own spectre clubhouse. Spectres Shepard and Alenko against the world."

"Uh-huh," she glared.

"So, did you and the Major really have a thing?" James asked.

She postponed in sipping her drink, whilst trying to find the most _'let's move on from this conversation.'_ answer, but without drawing attention to the fact it bothers her enough to want to.

"Shepard has a bit of a thing for her Lieutenants," Garrus intervened, gratefully. "Good luck Vega."

"Oh, er...I'm not really..." he babbled, resulting in multiple laughter.

"Well," Shepard said. "Shots?"

* * *

"And he was all like; _'Don't turn your back on me Shepard! I brought you back from the dead!'_ and I was all like; _'Joker, lose this channel.'_ Boom. In your face Illusive man. And that people, is how you end a suicide mission," cheered Shepard.

"Yeah..." Joker uttered "Good times. I wonder if we'll see more of him."

"Bet on it," Shepard remarked, taking her thoughts from the social evening with her friends, and onto the swallowing reality ahead. "But, anyway. I'm glad we all had to chance to do this before we throw ourselves _too_ far into hell. I love you, you bunch of lackies."

James raised a glass. "To Shepard."

"To Anderson," she said, raising her own glass.

"To Palaven," Garrus said.

"To Earth," Cortez said.

"To the future children of Tuchanka," Wrex said.

"To seashells," Mordin said.

"To the newly appointed spectre," Joker grinned.

* * *

"Were you wanting to be carried like a baby human again?"

"Don't-even-think-"

"Well then, walk properly Shepard. Some of us were hoping to sleep tonight."

"Pfftt. Yes Sir, special reaper advisor Sir." She tried to salute, pulling her arm from the turian's grasp, but wobbled herself forward. Garrus sighed, putting his arm around her waist, gesturing them to the elevator.

"Captain's quarters," he ordered. Tightening his grip as they began to ascend. He soon felt her arms slip around his own waist, felt her head rest below his shoulder. He looked down at her inquisitively.

"What?" she said, looking up, smile in her eyes. "I'm just steadying myself, Garrus."

"Very well, human," he grinned, leaning his head back to the elevator's wall, lack of sleep and liquor combining sourly.

"You're not very comfortable, are you?" she remarked, poking a hand to his hard chest.

"Well I apologise for my species layout, Shepard."

"Aw, you're just grumpy," she teased, poking him again.

"With you? Never. You amuse me far too much for me to ever feel grumpy."

She glanced happily at him, as they reached top floor. Garrus took her arms off him, and held one of them up to the door, initiating her omni-tool to unlock it.

"Well I could have done that," she complained.

"What's that thing you're always saying, Shepard? Uh-huh."

She tried to kick him, but failed miserably. He put an arm around her again, leading her into the room.

"Are you coming inside to tuck me in?" she smirked.

"I was thinking more, so you don't walk through your fish tank actually."

She laughed as they reached her bed. The spectre more fell than sat on it. She unzipped her hoodie and discarded it to the floor, then, propping herself up on a pillow, she slipped her legs under the covers and removed her combats.

"That was fast," Garrus remarked. "Did you want me to hang that somewhere?" He gestured to the crumpled jacket on the floor.

"Mehh," she shrugged, looking up at the standing alien. His height impressively evident at this level. "Are you going to stay for a bit?"

"Sure, Shepard," he said after a moment, looking over to the couch they'd started the evening on, he felt his arm being pulled on, his friend apparently having decided where he would be sitting, he took seat on the edge of the bed, next to her.

"Garrus?"

"Mmm?"

"Kaidan's a douche isn't he?"

The turian held back a laugh. "Yes Shepard, Alenko's a...what was it?"

"Dooooooooooouche!"

"I don't really know what that means, but I'm sure you're right."

"Oh, I am," she declared. "You know Garrus, YOU should be a spectre, you're so cool, and you know, insolent. You'd be so good at it.

"Well if I was, I imagine I'd have my own assignment, and then who would look after my baby human, hmm?"

"Aww Gawwus, you never fail to sweeten."

"And you never fail to amuse." He said, tapping her nose.

"Ha, why do you that? Is it a turian thing?"

"What, tapping your nose? Hmm... maybe you should consult your codex on that one."

Shepard let out a burst of hysterical laughter, surprising both of them. "Aw, man. I must be gone, I never find anything you say _that_ funny."

"You lie," he grinned.

"Do turian's not get intoxicated as fast or something?"

"Different metabolisms, that's all. Though it is advisable for someone on board to stay sober, ideally the commanding officer, but hey, can't be picky."

She knocked him with her duvet covered knees.

"Is that my name in human writing, Shepard?" he asked gesturing to the datapad on her bedside table.

"Hm? Oh that, erm...that was just, I...found your message."

"Oh...good, thought it might be your diary."

"Pfft, what makes you think your name would be in there?"

"I'll have you know Shepard, a lot of your kind find me attractive."

"Oh really?" she sniggered. "Who are these people? I'd love to meet them."

"Why? So you can mark your territory?"

"Mark my...? What the hell do you think we are, varen?"

It took him a second to understand what she meant, when he did they both burst out laughing. He enjoyed seeing his friend laugh, life had caused it's suppression far too much. Although granted, there hadn't been much worth laughing about for either of them, there was a slight euphoria in forgetting this a moment.

"See!" Shepard exclaimed. "You're not so sober."

"No," he admitted, leaning forward, stroking a hair strand from her face. "But sober enough."

She absorbed his closeness, absorbed the feel of leather cross over her skin. "I'm glad you're here, Garrus." she uttered.

"Me too, Shepard."

"I know it couldn't have been easy for you, I know how tempting the thought of staying on your homeworld at a time like this is."

"Yeah, but truth is, we're all in the same boat. You can either spend those last moments with the ones you care most about, or you can fight your damned hardest to make sure they get more of them. If you're fortunate, well... you get to do both."

He saw her lips curve into that sad smile of hers. He watched her stare quietly at him before she reached a hand up, and looking hesitant pressed it gently on the scarring of his face.

"Does it hurt?" she almost whispered.

"No," he said, tone lowering in reflection, feeling her thumb trace over his markings. "It's okay."

"These past years..." she said, shaking her head "I have so much to thank you for, Garrus."

"And I you, Shepard. Though a hell amount more." he expressed, tilting his head further into her touch. "Sidonis, Omega, recruiting me in the first place. You were taking a chance."

"It damn well paid off," she smiled, running her hand off his face and down his exposed neck, feeling him swallow. "You've always had my back, it's not something I expect. I mean, this war, Cerberus...I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well, Shepard," he said, leaning closer, brushing her cheek with the back of his fingers. "I don't suppose you'll ever find out."

She felt her heart palpitate as his face moved closer still, he planted a kiss on her forehead, before squeezing her hand and getting to his feet. "I should let you sleep," he explained.

She nodded. "Yeah...I guess neither of us got too much last night."

"Won't hurt to keep a clear head over the next few days." he said, rubbing above his eyes.

"Hey," she spoke. "You never told me what you were going to say earlier, before we went to the lounge."

He stared as if contemplating his words a second. "I wanted to apologise for what happened the last time we spoke, before you turned yourself in to the Alliance. When you dropped me off at Palaven, I mean."

"Garrus, you don't need to."

"I do Shepard. You'd made up your mind, it wasn't my place to try and persuade you otherwise."

"Well, it stung."

"It must have, I'm-"

"No, I mean, you were right Garrus. What you said would sting, well...it did."

"It did," he uttered. The pair kept their gaze for as long as what could be considered unexceptional. "Sweet dreams, human," he expressed, taking her comparatively tiny hand in his, squeezing it once more before stepping away, both holding on as long as distance allowed.

"Night, Garrus," she whispered, laying a head down on her pillow, watching him glance back before leaving.

She heard the hum of the elevator. She ordered the ceasing of light, closed her eyes, and mused over the word lodged in her throat, a word rich with consequence, a word proposed by him all those months ago on Palaven, a word that had pulled every selfish strand in her, a word hanging very finely between friendship and repercussion.

_Stay._

* * *

**_Just want to thank all those reading and following along with this story, and all those who have favorited and reviewed! Comments always welcomed. _**

**_Bioware owns all._**


	10. Curing the Genophage

The woman shifted her half-dressed self across the cold metalic floor of her cabin. She paused at her comm, little scratching noises directing her to the plastic cage placed highly shelved. "Hello, Hammy," she greeted, tapping his boxed home. The rodent met her gaze with a bearing of teeth. "Still don't like me, huh?" She'd grown rather fond of the creature, picked him up as a baby on the Citadel, his chubby little cheeks being the deciding factor of purchase, that, and her fish were growing rather dull, and rather...dead. She deposited a handful of food, and brought thoughts back to more vital matters. "Liara," she called over the comm.

"Yes Shepard?" she spoke in a tone much uncomplimentary to a morning after alcohol.

"Can you gear up and meet me on the shuttle?"

"Certainly. I can't believe this is it, curing the genophage..."

"Crazy, huh?"

"Yes. I just hope all goes to plan."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. Between Mordin's brains, and Wrex's...Wrexness, our chances of pulling this off are looking good. Though... I'd still recommend arming fairly heavily."

"I will do that, Shepard. See you down there."

Shepard thought about Liara, and about what a valuable squad mate she'd become. Perhaps she always had been and Shepard had simply never given her enough opportunity to show this. The commander had seldom opted to have her on team during missions aboard the SR1, primarily because Kaidan had often if not always accompanied her, so biotically there wasn't much need. Liara seemed different now, aged more than what was natural for a few years. War will do that to you.

Shepard dismissed the slight prick of anticipation, before linking communications to the main battery. "Garrus," she called, before hearing a small scoff of laughter.

"Garrus, huh?" came the familiar voice of her turian friend. "Shame. I was hoping 'Sir special reaper advisor Sir' might still be out there."

"You're very funny," she smiled. "Been waiting to say that long?"

"A little while..."

Shepard let out a laugh.

"So, how are you Shepard? Sleep well...?"

"Sleep? Fine. Wake? Uck."

"Indeed," he remarked, yawn in his voice.

"Well, we shall be waking up soon enough, need you on the shuttle in twenty."

"You're taking me are you? I'm flattered."

Shepard grinned, trying to remember the last time she'd willingly not had Garrus on team. She was only too aware of her progressive leaning on him, leaning more than what was considered generally respectable for a commanding officer. She wasn't sure when it had happened, some point throughout him addressing her as Commander-Shepard-Human, Garrus had stopped being one of her soldiers, and had become her 'trusted other' almost. That once arrogant, human-sceptic C-sec officer, she'd barely exchanged two words with, to the companion whose loyalty reached beyond anything previously experienced in her military life, or...her life in general. Perhaps Mordin was right, perhaps their bond was born simply of needing social comfort at an impossible time. A year spent in one another's constant company, six months without a trace of it, the sting that was to accompany this. A sting she thought wise not to ponder too deeply upon.

"Well, if you don't want to go, I could always ask James." she teased.

"Mmm, I'll come Shepard. We'll probably need a good shot."

"What, James doesn't meet your standards? Being the Lord of gunnery that you are."

"Vega is an okay shot. And, Lord of gunnery? Nice, I think I might like that more than Sir, special reaper advisor."

"Well, you get Garrus, or insolent, depending on how much of an irritation you are at the time."

"Creative."

"Yes, well, anyway _insolent, _as much as I'd love to banter the morning away, krogan babies to make."

"I'll start making preparations."

"Good. Oh, and just so we get this out the way..."

"Mmm?" she heard the grin in his tone.

"Last night, thanks for...you know."

"You may need to refresh my memory."

"You're really gonna make me say it?"

"I can't make you do anything Shepard, you're my sup... my sup... my superior. Damn, try saying that without laughing."

"Uh-huh! Anyway, thank you for helping me to bed."

"No worries human. I'm always here to indulge your late night antics."

"Good to know."

* * *

"So...who votes we cure the genophage another day?" Garrus remarked, stood stared at the giant synthetic amongst the auburn sky, impeding what could be the surprising picturesque beauty that was Tuchanka. What they were fighting for, and what they were fighting against, blended unnaturally into one scene.

"No!" Wrex yelled at the turian. "We're going now! Shepard get those hammers up."

She nodded him, Mordin and Eve off to the nearby lab, and turned gaze back towards the reaper. A grin involuntary stretched her lips. Her and Garrus simultaneously turned to one another, adrenaline pumping all matter of body, excitement and fear concocting beautifully. "Let's go kill us a reaper," she smirked.

"Let's indeed" he grinned, assault rifle in hand.

The three of them including Liara ran forward across the vibrating rubble, the turian air strike swooshing overhead. As predicted a bounty of reapers were deployed, including a handful of absurdly overpowered brutes. Keeping eyes on these as well as incoming husks, sniping cannibals, the giant reaper claw hankering to squish them was no easy task. But the three managed well. Their varied skills combining nicely.

"I'm going for the hammers!" Shepard yelled, knowing trying to deal with enemies first was severely depleting time, time they had no privilege of.

"You're doing what?" Garrus remarked. "Hold on a sec, Shepard."

"Just cover me," she shouted, already engaged in sprinting.

Garrus watched her dodge and dive her way to the first hammer, his shields taking a fair amount of bullets, his focus unnerved. When exactly was it he'd stopped thinking of Commander Shepard as this first human spectre, entirely capable of swaying through hell unscathed, and instead as this soft skinned mortal, entirely capable of being hurt? Whenever it was, it certainty had lingered.

She initiated the first hammer, zoomed right towards the next, not pausing for breath, grateful the brutes strong as they may be were slow, grateful a childhood spent running the streets had taught her to sprint so well. Before she could reach the next hammer the reaper's claw had overshadowed her. She thought it might drop down, but instead it passed over to her squad mates. "Look out!" she shouted. Liara and Garrus looked up. dodging barely. Shepard's hairs pricked as she heard a yelp of pain. She ran towards them. The claws crashing to the ground had caused a split in the rubble, a split Liara's leg had trapped into. "Liara!" Shepard shot surrounding husks away before kneeling to assist. "Are you okay?"

"My leg's pinned, I can't get it out." she winced, trying to brave the pain in front of her most admired commander.

"This is going to hurt, okay?" Shepard said, sliding her arm down the crack, speaking softly as possible whilst still trying to be heard over the surrounding chaos.

"Shepard!" Garrus warned, pointing to the re-incoming claw.

"Help me get her out!"

Garrus, putting an arm around the asari's stomach, pulled hard, while Shepard, using an amount of force managed to dislodge her leg, thankful she didn't have to break it. "Move!" she yelled, before all three jumped to safety. Shepard took sight of Liara on the ground. Dark purple soaked her lower suit. "Take her back to the truck," she ordered.

Garrus met his commander's eyes. "You're kidding? Where's the damn medi-gel?"

"Mordin's taken it for Eve. There's more in the truck. Go now!"

"And what were you planning on doing?" he asked, though perfectly aware.

"Hammer," she shouted, already edging away.

"Shepard," he reached and grabbed her arm, grasping tighter than he meant.

She turned to him, looked him dead in the eyes, spoke slowly. "Your comrade needs medical care. Take her now, Garrus."

He struggled to release his grip, but knew looking back to the bleeding out asari, he had no choice. The turian met Shepards eyes once more. "Be careful," he demanded, tone deep, warning almost.

She rolled her eyes, though smiled playfully, pulling away from him, running fast.

Garrus opted to carry the asari rather than try and help her walk, knowing she would be weakening soon. Although fully aware it wasn't her fault he'd had to leave his dear friend solo, he couldn't help but feel irritated. "Here," he said, carrying her onto the truck, after silently walking the ten minute distance. He laid her down, found the supply of medi-gel and proceeded to rub a couple of rounds over her leg. "Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked.

"No, I'm fine" she replied, looking down shamefully.

Guilt pricked him. He put a hand on her shoulder, before announcing he was going back for Shepard.

He was greeted with the sight of broken rubble. Broken rubble and a giant thresher maw. "Shepard?" he called urgently into his comm. "Where are you?" the static that answered curled his gut. "Shepard?"

"I'm fine," came the fuzzed voice.

"Where are you dammit?"

"Can't talk," she stated. He heard the voice of Mordin, before hearing the woman switch off her comm.

_Damn human._

* * *

Garrus paced outside the truck, waiting for his friend to either turn up, or switch her damn comm back on.

"I'm sure she's fine," Liara comforted.

Garrus said nothing, but continued in his pace until finally hearing movement behind.

"Where's Shepard?" Wrex asked, looking around.

"With Mordin we think," Liara answered.

"At the tower?" he asked, surprised.

All present set their eyes to the shroud. They didn't have time to fret over its sudden explosion, before seeing the human spectre walking towards them. Her face was sullen, she didn't make eye contact until reaching close enough to Wrex. She pointed a finger hard to his chest. "Don't waste this," she warned.

* * *

Shepard had retreated to the war room, where she'd spent the rest of the day since returning from Tuchanka. Her uncharacteriscly processing of numbers was proving a valued distraction. Mordin was dead, sacrificed himself for what he believed was right. She was proud, but she was hurt. The explosion, how he must have felt during those last moments...Had it been instant? Did he get trapped? Did he try and escape...?

_Focus_

"Shepard?" Edi's voice came.

"Yes?"

"Admiral Anderson is trying to get through, shall I put him in the comm room?"

"Yes, definitely." The Spectre took herself to the neighbouring room, and watched the holographic image form into the familiar man. "Anderson," she smiled, so genuinely relieved.

"Shepard," he smiled back. "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"

"How are you? How's Earth?"

"Earth is...well, we're taking it day by day."

"I have some muscle heading your way. Wrex has agreed to send in some krogan."

"That's good news Shepard, they'll be a big help," he assured, though both knew this would barely be scratching the surface. "How are things on the Normandy? We got word Kaidan was hurt?"

"He's fine now," Shepard remarked, the haunting image of her former lover's head being smashed flashed over. "He's a Spectre, did you hear?"

"Spectre? No, well I'll be damned."

"Yeah, my thoughts were along similar lines."

"Shepard," he scorned, though with a grin, both happy to be joking together again. "Listen I have to go, keep in touch if you can, child."

"I will, Sir. Good luck out there."

"You too, Shepard. We're all counting on you, everybody here knows you can do this."

_Yeah..._

"I won't let Earth down Sir. We'll be seeing you soon."

"Goodbye child." he nodded, before fading out.

The commander let out a sigh of relief, Anderson was okay for now at least. She made her way back to the war room, got back to running numbers. The turian Primarch beside her worked silently also, until he had a call come in.

"Primarch Victus, Sir?" the voice echoed.

"Yes Lieutenant, how are those matters I asked you to check on?"

"The numbers aren't brilliant Sir. We've had a few evacuation shuttles go missing, as of yet we've been unable to track them. The Vakarian family were on board, Sir."

"Wait, what?" Shepard interrupted, the Primarch stared at her indignation, she couldn't care less. "Has Garrus been informed of this?"

"Erm..." the commd voice hesitated, unsure of who was now addressing him. "Yes, I've just informed him."

"Thank you Lieutenant," Victus said, shutting off the comm.

Shepard had found it hard enough dealing with Mordin's death, Mordin who she had affection for, but wasn't family. She couldn't imagine what Garrus must be going through. She knew how it felt to grieve over a comrade but she would never know the anguish it must be to worry over a Father or a Sister. Though her and Garrus shared a closeness, he was not the type to talk things out, she was very much the same way. The year during Cerberus they had been a great comfort to eachother, though silently. Shepard never related feelings of Kaidan, or the strife and confusion the riddled her being brought back from the dead, nor had she ever wanted to. Garrus was the same in the distress he'd suffered over his team mates deaths. Though he had related to her what had happened, he'd never spoken personally about the friends that were killed, or his missing of them. It had become an unspoken agreement between them, though she cared very much for her friends peace of mind, she knew to deal with it indirectly, as he had with her through sparring.

* * *

Garrus stood at his console inside the main battery, watching the virtual red blips overrun the blue ones. He sighed, they were getting slaughtered. Strategy was all well and good when you had the numbers to pull it off. Palaven prided itself on its military. Turians, the untouchable race... If anything, this war had been humbling. No one was safe, that no one happening to include his family.

The opening of the door behind him took him from thought. He turned to observe what appeared to be...a great big pile of white.

"Hey, turian," the soft voice of his Commander came. "I brought you a present."

"Pillows, Shepard?" he puzzled, trying to meet her face from behind the bedding.

"Annnnnd," she said, heaving the load across the room and down onto his bed. "A blanket," she exhaled.

"Don't I already have those things?"

"Yep," she answered. "But they damn well suck."

"So, you're here to... make my bed, Shepard?"

"Pretty much," she grinned, leaning back to the wall. "Gotta look after my baby turian now don't I?"

He let out an amused scoff. "Shepard, please. We both know there's only one person on this ship in need of babying."

"Actually...Garrus?"

"Yes, Shepard?" he grinned, amusement in his voice.

"Would it be alright if you address me as Commander from now on? I'm trying to build up a respectful rapport around here."

"No."

"What insolence!" she scoffed. "That's it Garrus, it's been a good ride, but you're fired. Please collect your things, but not the pillows, they're mine, and leave!"

"Nice try," he remarked, moving to stand in front of her, leaning his body weight onto one hand against the wall. "but if you want to fire me you'll need to have at least three incident reports, and you'll need to present your case at a disciplinary hearing. You would know that if you ever bothered to read regulation, _Commander_."

"Officer Vakarian comments mockfully towards my literacy skills. Incident one."

"You are amusing, Shepard."

"Calls me Shepard, when has been specifically told otherwise. Incident two."

"Are you going to write this down? or was it just going to get lost somewhere," he said tapping her on the head.

"Physically, and verbally abusive. Ok, good, let the hearing start."

"And will you mind your own little indiscretions being mentioned at this hearing? Naturally I would need to defend myself."

"My indiscretions huh? Alright Officer," she smiled, turning and leaping herself on the newly softened bed, before laying back, resting her hands behind her head. "Amuse me."

"Could you actually not jump on my bed Shepard, I don't care much for bunking in the crew quarters if you break it."

"Don't worry. You know I'd let you stay with me."

"Suggestive harassment?" he said, looking down at her. "There's my opening argument."

"Yeah?" she smirked. "You'll need two more complaints if you want to get your Commander's behaviour reviewed."

"Hmm, well you have so very annoyingly gotten your human scent on my bed. I'm sure it will cause me a disturbance at night. So there, not giving your 'inferiors' ample sleep."

"What kind of disturbance?" she smirked.

"The kind that induces nightmares. And you're being suggestively harassing again, so that's three now."

"I'm not being suggestively anything. It's not my fault your mind works the way it does."

"My mind, Shepard, is filled only with optimising firing algorithms, I assure you."

"Of course. Because you're the Lord of gunnery."

"That I am."

They both shared a grin. Garrus guessed she'd heard about his Dad and Solana. He knew she wouldn't be in here trying to emit an atmosphere of cheer if not. Not with everything that had happened today, not with Mordin's death. She'd always been one to put her crew first, holding in all personal grief until a convenient moment, which as it happened, never seemed to come for her.

Noticing her friends expression darken, she rose to foot "Hey," she soothed, stepping towards him, resting a hand on his upper arm. "You doing okay?"

"I'm fine, Shepard," he assured, looking into that soft human face of hers, a face far too endearing to carry the burdens it did. "Don't worry."

"Well, I do worry," she said, taking her hand away and giving him a playful shove. "Here if you need me, okay?"

"Thank you," he nodded, squeezing her hand "How about you? Mordin...It can't be easy."

"He was a good man," she smiled weakly.

"One of ours," he added.

"He wanted to redeem himself." she sighed, lowering her face "And I...well, I tried to talk him out of it."

Garrus took his hand and gently tilted her chin back up, "It's understandable, Shepard." he consoled. "He'd been with us a long time." He observed her eyes dart back and forth between his. Silence comfortably soaked the room. There was a contentment in simply being close to one another. The rock that got them through Cerberus had been these moments, the banter, the friendship, the solitude together. He remembered their departure on Palaven six months ago. He'd been angry. As predicted, he hadn't been able to persuade her to stay, to hide out. The thought of her incarceration had maddened him. A soldier who'd dedicated her life to righting injustice would be submitting herself to such a mockery of it. He remembered the lingering of hand shake just before she returned to the Normandy's shuttle. He told her to take care, she told him to stay alive. She'd turned to leave, he'd clamped her hand instinctively, she'd pulled away, hadn't looked back. He watched her through the shuttles window take seat, her back to the window. He'd only realised why she was avoiding his view when the pilot set off and turned around, giving Garrus just the slightest last glimpse of the spectre. He'd known the woman for a long time, he'd known her endure much hell, but he'd never known her to be as she was at that moment. He'd never known tears streak her face.

"Listen, I should let you get back to work," she coughed, stepping herself away from him.

"Yeah...sure Shepard. I imagine you have much to do yourself."

"I'll see you, tomorrow I guess. Grissom Academy, Citadel business. Much to do."

"Tomorrow." he affirmed, watching her walk out. "Although...I've just about finished in here anyway, I don't know what you have left to do, but...if you wanted to grab something to eat?"

"Yeah? I don't want to disturb you if you're busy."

"Well, you already did that, so..."

"Alright," she smiled. "Meet you in the mess hall when you're done?"

"I'll finish this later," he said, walking towards and shutting off his console. "Don't want to keep my CO waiting and end up with another incident report."

She elbowed his side as he met her distance, "Insolent," she smiled softly.

"Baby," he said, elbowing back, before putting an arm around her shoulders. She put hers around his back, and the pair walked themselves into the mess hall. Both soaking up the delighting consolment in the form of their best friends arm and lingering jab to the side. This, they would take over talking out grievances any day.

* * *

**Just a quick note to thank Molly, Koshki, and my other guest reviewer :) All feedback is greatly apprciated.**

**Bioware's characters/themes.**


	11. Shepard and Vakarian

"Anything we can get you, soldier?" Garrus Vakarian asked the fellow turian.

"No Sir," he replied, hazily. "I've been given enough medi-gel to last an asari's lifetime. I'm just waiting for the okay to get back in the fight."

The former C-sec officer took proper sight at the man hunched low in the giant containers corner (beds were becoming something of a luxury around here) The flesh of both his legs had been severely misshapen. He looked lucky to have avoided amputation. He would not be returning to service, this was obvious. His character was inspiring. "Good spirits to you," Garrus nodded.

"Thank you, Sir."

Garrus had spent the morning here at the refugee camp. The Council were being tight with rations. An old buddy at C-sec had asked if he could use a little influence to help things along. He'd decided to stay and offer a word of sympathy or two while he was down here. The Normandy was docked for the day anyway. Shepard had needed to speak to Miranda and Aria, but mostly wanted to see Thane. The others were off gallivanting somewhere. James, Purgatory. Joker, showing Edi around. Even the ever charming Jack was here somewhere, the crew having reunited with her at Grissom Academy a few days ago.

"Mommy, Mommy look!" a young voice came. Garrus turned his gaze to the opposite corner on the far side of the dust ridden container. He seen a turian infant pointing in his direction. "It's Garrus, Mommy!" His green eyes twinkled. The turian woman whose lap he was sat on stroked his fringe.

"Garrus is very busy, honey," she hushed.

He recognised the woman, his sister's best friend growing up. "Hello, Keera," he greeted walking over to the two.

"Hello, Garrus. This is Alos, I don't suppose you'd remember. He was just a baby last time we saw you."

"I remember, how you doing buddy?"

"Fine," he said quietly, before burying his head back into his mother's chest.

"He's shy," she explained. "He's very fond of you, we've been watching you on the vids at home. He says he wants to be a soldier. There's a lot of people putting faith in you back home."

Garrus wondered why the little boy's arm was bandaged, probably the same reason his mother had burns down her neck. "There's plenty of faith to be had," he assured. "We have a good team."

"Have you heard from Solana?"

"No. Not yet."

"Our shuttle was one of the ones reported missing too. We made it here in the end. I'm sure her and your dad aren't far behind. I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything."

"I'd appreciate that."

"Where can I reach you, Garrus?"

"Send a message to the Normandy. I'll get it."

"Okay. Nice to see you again."

"And you. Do you or your son need anything while I'm here?"

A shriek of alarm rattled the area, triggering an even louder shriek of babies wails.

_Warning, warning, the Citadel is under attack. Please act as directed by C-sec._

"What's happening?"Alos cried.

"Shhh, it's okay." his mother soothed, looking to Garrus, willing him to stay.

Garrus grabbed a young turian C-sec recruit and pulled him towards the container. "Stay with this family," he ordered.

"Um...yes Sir, but I've just been told by Bailey to get to the Councillors."

"Now I've told you differently." Although Garrus had no real authority over this recruit, they both knew he would be taking his over his bosses orders.

"Where are you going?" Keera asked.

"To find a friend."

* * *

The woman's eyes immersed themselves into the sky view. Authentic or inauthentic, it was beautiful. Easy to lose time in. The aquatic shades of blue reflecting fittingly to the waters below. She could see how her old squad mate found it easy to simply sit at the hospital's window.

"The sky," the assassin drell uttered, as if hearing her thoughts. "Such things one does not think about, until cause gives reason."

"Are you sure I can't tempt you back?" she smiled, looking to his dark, dark eyes, thinking of the welcome distraction he may well be craving.

"That's very kind. You have always been very kind. My memories on the Normandy hold dear to me. But, no Shepard. This end is the one I desire. No stress, no fears, just memories. A lifetime to flicker over."

She nodded, and silently felt very proud. Thane was such wonderful company, not what she had originally expected when commissioned to recruit an assassin.

"Besides," he spoke. "My son visits regularly, I have much time to make up to him. I suppose I consider that to be my last assignment. One put off far too long."

"If there's ever anything you need, Thane..."

"Thank you Commander Shepard," he smiled at her with his very human lips.

The shriek of alarm disturbed the already mostly disturbed patients of Huerta Memorial. The Spectre hurriedly got Bailey on comm, and was informed of Cerberus' attack.

"Perhaps I will enjoy including this as another last assignment," the drell grinned.

"Knew you wouldn't be able to resist," she grinned back, before the pair took themselves to the elevator, and ordered the receptionist to lock down after they leave.

* * *

Shepard pressed her back to the wall, and listened to the muffled voices behind it. The thick heavy helmets Cerberus apparently provided each and every employee with, made it all the more easier to recognise them sound-wise from afar. The Spectre had been filled in via Captian Bailey through omni-comm, of the assumed reason for the organisation to be attacking the Citadel. She wished she felt more surprise at Udina's alleged part in this. He was always something of an xenophobe, but Cerberus, really? The hypocrisy of this judgement was not lost on her.

Her and her drell friend had split up, with aim to more speedily find the missing salarain Councillor. She'd had to recruit a little more brains than usual. Taking out a floor of heavily armed soldiers with only the pistol never removed from her ankle, and clothed in mere Alliance casuals, had its challenges.

She coughed in a bid to draw attention, needing the hostiles to run in. By the sounds of it, there were just two of them left on this floor. Her ammo was near depletion, she needed them close enough to receive a couple of kill shots. She coughed louder. The troops remained obliviously unaware, in their conversation.

_Dumbasses_.

"Hey uglies!" the impatient woman shouted, stepping to view.

"Huh?" one of them mumbled, finally turning to see the Alliance soldier. "It's Shepard! Oooo the boss is gonna love this. Come here Princess." He began his march towards her, before the other stretched out an arm to stop him.

"Wait!" he ordered.

_Dammit. Really thought they'd fall for that._

"_I_ want to bring her in!" he insisted.

_Never mind._

"No!" the first one stormed. "It was my idea. _I'm_ bringing her in!"

Shepard amused herself a minute in their shoulder pushing demonstration, before growing tired. "Well, one of you idiots bring me in." They turned back to her in confusion, almost as if they'd forgotten the last couple minutes of their lives. Shepard wondered over their husk to human ratio. They ran forwards anyway, where they were promptly taken out. The commander kneeled and took search over their bodies, took the ammo needed, investigated as to what decency of weaponry was carried. She suddenly sensed more than felt the pressure of weight behind. She spun, stretched and slammed the perpetrator to the blood spattered wall, her newly loaded pistol jabbed above his throat. "Garrus?" she blinked.

"Mmmm not bad Shepard," he rumbled rather pleasantly. "I see those sparring lessons of ours are serving you well."

She grinned exceedingly happy as to his arrival, lowered her gun, but pressed the arm at his waist harder.

" Kidding, kidding, ouch," he winced. "We all know what an expert you already were. "

"Uh-huh," she smiled, releasing him. "Certainly good to see you. The others not with you I take it?"

"Still at Purgatory, perhaps" he speculated, catching a little breath. Damn, she could hit when she wanted to. "We don't need them anyway. I still happen to have...this!" he beamed, unclasping the scorpion pistol from his back.

"You brought that to the refugee camp, really?" she smirked. _Only Garrus._

"Sure. I always like to be prepared. My weaponry, my...armour," he stated, running a look up and down the woman. "Didn't share the thought, I guess."

"Surprisingly no. Not for the hospital."

The echo of footsteps cut short their conversation. Yet another Cerberus troop. Taken the elevator down they assumed. The pair could hear him from around the corner talking into his comm. "Everyone's dead down here," he remarked. "Must be more C-sec than we thought. I'll be sure to kill a few more." There held a sickening enjoyment to his muffled tone.

Garrus grinned in thought of the man's immediate demise. He twisted the scorpion around and back again, displaying intentions to his commander.

"Can I try?" she whispered.

He let out a disappointed sigh. "Okay. You can use _one _round."

"Well, that's rather generous," she mocked, taking the pistol.

"Use it or lose it, human."

"Insolent," she mouthed, leaning herself back to the walls edge, discerning the troops distance with her ears. She left cover, and after checking for certainty he was in-fact an armed Cerberus soldier, took her 'one go'

"Impressive," Garrus remarked.

"Thanks."

"Talking about my gun."

She rolled her eyes playfully and threw back his cherished possession, before informing him on all she knew about what was happening. Garrus suggested if the salarian Councillor was to be hiding it would make sense for him to be in the executors office at C-sec. With that, the two head to the elevator, which Captain Bailey assisted as regards stability. The initial stops and starts formulating a rather uncomfortable feel.

The doors opened to a sickening metallic odour, one the pair had gotten far too accustomed to over years. Garrus scoped the trail of dead. Most unrecognised, some unrecognisable. Others, old co-workers.

"You okay?" his commander checked.

He nodded. "Let's get these asses."

Shepard briefly informed Thane of their location, before setting through the corpse ridden building.

Having their weapons at the ready. They crouched quickly to cover, spotting a couple of troops.

"Did you really need to kill him?" one of them spoke looking down through his helmet over an officer's deceased body. "I thought we were just here for the salarian."

"You're in the wrong business kid," his deeply gruffed associate replied. "Watching Citadel pigs die is all part of the perks."

Before his commander had noticed Garrus had engaged in a charge toward the men. The younger one nervously pointed to the turian.

"Shoot him!" the deeply voiced one yelled, taking out his pistol, only to have it instantly swiped from under him. Garrus hand encased his neck, punched the window through his helmet, revealing the half reaperd monster he was. The turian promptly pierced his side with his omni-blade and watched him slump to the ground. He turned to the remaining bag of nerves, pulled out his pistol, before feeling a jolt hit his chest. The turian turned to see his commander, and though her hand bare, and his chest armoured, he indeed felt the force. The stern in her eyes inducing a feel of authority, the familiarity in them inducing a little calm.

She promptly took her hand off, and turned to the remaining living troop. "Why is Cerberus here?" she demanded.

"Erm, I really don't-"

The turian took a step forward, towering the man. If the killing of his co-worker wasn't enough to unnerve him, the ice of turian eyes and the promise they warned certainly would. "I suggest you think harder," he seethed.

"Look, look, I'm only on first assignment. I'm still technically in my training period. I don't know anything. Only that we were suppose to find the salarian Councillor."

"And did you?" Shepard asked.

"No. We've searched all over but- Please, I really don't know anymore."

"Your friend was right," she said. "You're in the wrong business. We're at war, I suggest you re-think your side. Next time you won't be as lucky."

"Lucky? So wait, I can go...?" She gestured to the corridor behind them. "Thank you," he stammered, running fast before anyone's mind was changed.

"Lucky, indeed," the turian remarked.

"Don't worry about it. Come on, show me the office."

* * *

"Thane!" Shepard crouched to the injured drell's side, whilst Garrus took chase of the man responsible.

"I'm alright," he uttered, hand pressed to his wound. "I have time, catch him." Shepard hesitated for all of a second. Right or wrong. Duty or not, Thanes life meant more to her than the Councillor's ever would. Garrus returned unsuccessful in his apprehension of the man they would later come to know as Kai Lang. The three of them sat together for a moment, recounting fond memories of service whilst waiting for help to arrive. Eventually Bailey showed up with medical staff assuring them Thane's wound was fresh enough to not cause him a fatality. He was taken to the hospital, whilst Shepard and Garrus immediately took chase in a shuttle.

"Shepard...?" Garrus hesitated.

"Mmm?" she uttered, eyes fixed ahead.

"Can I drive?"

"Why...?"

"Oh, no reason really, just that, ah... you're not doing it very well."

"Garrus, really? Is there anything you won't call me on?"

"Hmm..."

"Rhetorical. And the answer is no, I'm driving."

"Fine," he huffed, causing his commander to smile. "Just at least slow down a little, so _when_ we crash we might just shred into a couple of pieces rather than thousands of them."

"Ooooo," she teased, steering the shuttle off.

"Shepard, please."

"What? Making you feel uneasy?" she grinned.

"You always do."

"We're not going to crash, Gar-" The sudden jolt and blade of sword between them stopped thought. "Alright, you can drive," she grinned, opening the door, hanging herself out and firing rounds into the Cerberus assassin on top, causing the turian's heart to stop a moment.

"Wer'e really going to have to talk about this!" he yelled.

"Jealous much?" she shouted back with a smirk.

The force of air eroded much of her aims capability.

"Shepard." Garrus called, before throwing his heavy pistol to her. "That'll do it." he grinned.

She entertainingly, but urgently fired explosive fatalities at the unknown man. Hoping with each missed shot, the rounds were not to find themselves anywhere catastrophic. The blue glow of barrier continued to deflect anything hit, until its attacker emptied ammo. "Dammit!" she cursed, frustratedly lunging the gun at him.

"Shepard!" Garrus yelled.

"What?!" she asked urgently.

"My gun..."

"Oh..."

The Cerberus coward jumped to the safety of another shuttle, while the turian and human's made a pointed descension to the ground. Garrus grabbed and pulled his friend inside, quicker than she could have managed herself with the angle and force of air. She strained her bicep to close the door, before both braced the huge force of impact.

Shepard's eyes bounced themselves back to unblured function. The smouldering scent gave her the vague idea they should probably be moving. Garrus retracted his arm after having seat-belted her chest. Knowing her lacking of armour, and a perfectly glassed front window would not be creating the most pleasant of scenes. Though, knowing her, she'd probably just get up and shake the damn thing off.

"Okay?" she breathed towards him.

"Just about," he answered, pressing down on his lower back, stretching until bone, muscle or ligament, even he couldn't be sure clicked back to place. Shepard barely touched the door, before it separated itself completely from the shuttle. "Hold on," he uttered. "Your arm."

She took attention to the surprising sight of glass shard, maybe half an inch rooted. Hardly something to fuss over, its releasing of redness causing an unnecessary show.

"How did you not feel that?" the turian mused.

"Adrenaline," she stated, matter of factly. Wondering of her fellow soldier's surprise, before realising the feat penetrating turian skin must entail. It would take some hell of adrenaline for their nerves to ignore a placed shard.

She pulled out the glass, numbness so considerately removing itself enough to feel the pinch, and the pricking of fingers. Garrus observed the further releasing of scarlet this induced. Had he not just fatally stabbed a human? If starting military life at fifteen had given him anything, it had been desensitisation. Not to empathy, but to what was seen. Still, seeing _her_ blood was not entirely unnerving.

"I'm sorry about your gun," she offered, though he could see in the corners of her lips, she was trying to restrain a laugh. He nodded silently, teasing her. "I'll get you a new one, a better one." He shrugged a childs shrug. "Come on, I'll get you a super powered scorpion extreme...five."

"Wouldn't hold the sentiment."

"Don't be such a-"

He took a gloved finger to her lips. "We both know what you're about to call me is actually you. Now come on please Shepard. Let's not sit around mourning weaponry. We have rather important things to be doing."

"Aye aye, Garrus," she smiled.

* * *

Kaidan Alenko hurried his charges to the extraction point, willing the quickness of a shuttle. Not knowing exactly how many of Cerberus were on tail. Hoping he could fulfil his duty well enough should their arrival announce. Whilst Councillor Udina sent for retrieval, Kaidan's guard flared further as the opening of elevator came. He lowered his pistol momentarily, observing the familiar face of the woman once his. Her expression, one of confusion, contemplation. His old crew mate Garrus Vakarian at her side, the turian's expression startled a moment.

Kaidan stared to his fellow Spectre, she stared back at him. Silence engaged before she stated flatly "I'm here for Udina."

The human Councillor mumbled some curse of sorts before unbeknownst to most present continued sending for Cerberus.

Shepard certainly did not have the time nor the _want _of Kaidan Alenko's permission. She raised her weapon in Udina's direction.

Kaidan said nothing but stepped in her path, raising his own gun to her. Was this it? Had the niggling doubts been justified all along? Was she still allied with the terrorist organisation? Whatever the case, as he watched Garrus Vakarian's expression deaden and observed him point his weapon directly at him, Kaidan sensed this wasn't going to end well.


	12. Strain and Sorrow

Garrus watched for each subtle movement Kaidan Alenko made. He kept note of where, and how far the man's feet ventured. He took note of his expression, watching for any sudden shift, any hint of resolution to do something incredibly stupid. But mostly, Garrus took note of the man's fingers, waiting for the slightest twitch. Whether Kaidan planned on bluffing this out, or even contemplated a warning shot, it didn't matter. Garrus would not be offering a warning shot of any kind. Not when the man had his gun to Shepard.

Garrus until this point hadn't particularly harboured ill-feelings toward his former comrade. During service aboard the SR1 together, they'd never developed a friendship, but neither had they an animosity. Two different people. A respect was there, the fellow soldier kind. One, that had promptly disappeared after events on Horizon, Alenko's rebuking of Shepard, so insistent and proud on being 'an Alliance soldier to the bone.' Garrus did not view this ignorance as respect worthy. Nor did he Kaidan's treatment of a former Commanding officer.

"Garrus," Shepard spoke low, ensuring him to be the only one to hear. "Holster." She'd seen the turian in combat enough times, to know when intent flamed his eyes.

Her order stumbled a second of his focus. He met her face, saw she was serious, gave her a look of his own

"Now," she whispered, sternly. If everyone was going to walk away from this, she knew all were going to have to keep it cool. No friends, no ex-lovers, No emotion of any kind. Kaidan looked angry as hell, though she knew he wasn't an angry person by nature. It was more likely confusion, and frustration causing those brown eyes of his to speckle in hate. She wondered for a split second if he did hate her. She knew he distrusted her, but hell, he must really distrust her. Certainly enough to have his gun aimed. Garrus, though he wasn't acting improper in taking defence of his Commanding officer _was_ an angry person by nature, not unreasonably so, but Shepard knew more than most his temper had often led to the clouding of better judgement. She also knew if Kaidan was to die by his hand, Garrus would not be living well with it. Neither would she. Mars wasn't that long ago, and in-fact the slight bruising on Kaidan's face could still be seen. He'd almost died, due to in-action on her part. That was not going to happen today.

Garrus gave her a slight shake of head, indicating he would not be holstering his weapon. He ignored her angered glare as he turned full attention back to Kaidan.

Shepard inhaled a frustrated breath, making mental note to rebuke the turian later. She turned focus back to her fellow Spectre. "Kaidan. I'm not doing this with you. Move. Now."

"Explain yourself," he gritted, in a tone of authority. "And maybe we'll talk about that."

Shepard was careful not to let anger reflex in the tightening of her hand. "Udina's tricked you all. Cerberus are right behind us. If you let him open that door, we're all dead."

"Please!" Udina scoffed, looking up from his console. "_I'm _not the one with Cerberus taped to my résumé."

"He's...got a point, Shepard," Kaidan stated, trying to retain the stern in his tone, though, Shepard detected the uncertainty, hoping she could work with it. And, fast.

Garrus held a disbelief at the man. Had Alenko not been involved in a relationship with Shepard? To what depth, Garrus didn't know, not having held any interest in his human Commander's sex life aboard the SR1, as every other crew mate seemed to. It was just kind of known that Kaidan and Shepard were a 'thing' of some kind. Still, whatever 'affection' Alenko claimed to ever have for Shepard, was obviously not enough to take her word over a well known crooked politician's. If Garrus hadn't held Kaidan in the highest regard before, he certainly thought him entirely a jack-ass now.

"We've mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not go well for us," the asari Councillor jumped in, a little to Shepard's surprise. The turian Councillor nodded his agreement, even more to her surprise.

Kaidan wore a look of contemplation. Shepard thought it amusing, he'd probably be swayed more by the Council than her. Amusing, but somewhat depressing.

"Kaidan, come on," she remarked, getting tired. "Would I do this if I weren't certain?"

"I... don't know, Shepard. Like you said, we don't really... know eachother anymore."

_So much for not bringing emotion into it._

"Shepard. I'm taking the shot," Garrus' voice came low.

A curl of panic filled her stomach. "No. Stand down."

"There's no time," he growled. "You did your best. We're out of options."

"Just wait!"

Garrus usually followed his commander's orders to the letter. Not because she was his commander, but because he trusted her, he respected her, because he'd come to value her judgement over his, but one thing his commander lacked in taking consideration for, was herself. In this case the consequence of disobeying her order compared to the potential consequence of obeying was nothing. He respected her, he really did, but it would be the protection for his friend over respect for his superior that would win out.

He let out a sigh. "He's not going to back down. Sorry, Shepard..."

"Major!" Shepard exclaimed, to the surprise of all present. Even more to their surprise, she threw her pistol to Kaidan's feet. "There. I'm unarmed. You hold all the power here. The power to save these lives, or have them killed. Make your choice, Kaidan. Make it, and damn well live with it." She heard the pulse in her head as they waited what couldn't be more than a couple of seconds for Kaidan to act on these new circumstances. He must know she wouldn't be so stupid to unarm herself if she was really about to betray him.

"I better not regret this," he uttered

"You won't."

* * *

Shepard, Garrus, and Kaidan sat (Though certainly not side-by-side) in Capitan Bailey's office. There are certain procedures needing to be carried out, when the shooting of a Councillor has occurred. The soldiers gave statements fast, none of them desiring to be in the room with one another longer than necessary. Shepard was mad. Garrus was mad. Kaidan was mad, and a little confused. But they were soldiers, they maintained as much professionalism as could be expected.

"Okay," Bailey continued. "So then you took the shot, Shepard?"

"Yup," she replied tiredly.

Kaidan reserved a disbelieving scoff at her apparent uncaring. Udina was an ass sure, and a traitor as it turned out, but still, there was a certain respect that should be held over a man's death.

"Everything seems above-board anyway. That should be all I need, I don't want to be keeping you all here longer than necessary. I'll get in touch if I need anything else." He nodded them off, watched them scrape back awkwardly from their chairs and towards the door. "Oh, one more thing I gotta ask this, sorry, Shepard. For the record, I need an agreement with all witnesses. Major, Vakarian, in your opinion was there anything improper in the way Commander Shepard carried out the shot on Udina?"

"Absolutely not," Garrus remarked.

"...No," Kaidan confirmed, a little hesitantly.

"Good. Thought as much. Alright, see you around," said Bailey, before the three left.

"Well..." Kaidan muttered in the hallway, facing Shepard "Guess, I'll see you around."

She managed a slight nod, giving him all of a seconds eye contact.

He hesitated leaving, wanting a moment with Shepard. He was surprised Garrus wasn't picking up on this. He sighed figuring he'd go find her later, there was a lot to talk about. "Garrus," he nodded, before walking off.

"Alenko," he replied, flatly.

When Kaidan ventured out of hearing distance, Shepard turned to her turian officer, crossed her arms, and leant to one hip. She crinkled her nose in a way Garrus knew was suppose to depict human anger. He found it amusing how anyone was suppose to find this intimidating. "And what was that?" she scorned.

"Shepard, If you're going to call me up on disobeying your orders, you needn't," he remarked.

"Oh, needn't I now? And why's that?"

"Because, you're not about to persuade me there were any other options."

"It's not my job to persuade you, Garrus, it's my job to give orders, and I kinda expect- well I would _hope_ my crew would give me the obedience and trust to follow through. I told you several times-"

"If you think I will stand there with my weapon holstered, whilst someone's is aimed at you, you obviously don't respect me very much."

"_My_ respecting _you_, clearly isn't the problem here. I need to know I can trust you dammit."

"You don't know that?"

"Trust, that when situations like these arise, yes granted rare as they may be, I can rely on your support of whatever judgement I make."

"And you have that support, but no-one could have foreseen how something like that was going to go down. Sometimes you need to use your instincts."

"And what would have happened hmm? Garrus, seriously. How would you had felt if you'd taken his life?"

"A damn shade better than if he'd taken yours."

"That wasn't going to-" she sighed, cutting herself off mid-sentence. Garrus watched her close her eyes and rub a thumb between them. She was strained, clear as day, not even opting to hide it as she usually did.

Garrus realised the insensitivity of what he must have said. "Shepard, I'm sorry. I don't... mean to upset you,"

Shepard looked back to her friend surprised.

"Can't be... the easiest thing." he soothed.

"Um, okay."

"Here if you wanna...ahem...talk."

"Oh.. why?"

"Well, you know, staring down... a gun."

"...Not that I don't appreciate it Garrus, but I do stare down my share of guns. It's kind of an occupational hazard."

"Right... that's the spirit," he said, punching her on the shoulder.

"Uh...huh," she shook her head at his weirdness, before catching on. Did he think she had some kind of feelings for Kaidan, still? Of course it stung to have him stand off with her like that, but no more than it would if it had been Liara, or James, or anyone she'd worked with. "Garrus... you do know that... erm, I don't-"

"Hey, er, sorry to interrupt," Bailey said, exiting his office. "It's Krios, Shepard, I just got word there's been some... complications."

"Complications?" asked Garrus.

"Yeah, I didn't understand the medical gibberish, but it doesn't seem good anyhow."

"Alright," Shepard nodded, "I'll go see." She uncrossed her arms, and looked to Garrus, before heading off "I'll talk to you later."

"Make sure you do."

* * *

Shepard took a slow stride through the hospital corridor, feeling apprehensive. Wondering how bad Thane's complications were exactly, postponing finding out. Screams filled the hallways, young and old. Whoever these people were, and whatever their injuries, they were technically the 'lucky' ones. Cerberus had taken many lives today.

"Commander Shepard," an unfamiliar voice called.

Shepard turned to see an equally as unfamiliar face. "Can I help you?"

"Oh, you probably don't remember me. It's Dr Michel. You and your team helped stop Fist's men, at my clinic all those years ago?"

"Oh right, of course. Yeah I remember. Everything okay?"

"Yes fine, I won't take up too much of your time, Commander, but I was wondering, Dr Chakwas and I have been keeping in touch. She did mention you've been taking a lot of casualties, and an extra pair of hands wouldn't go amiss...?"

"Oh... isn't this place understaffed?"

"No, staff isn't the issue, Commander. It's supplies, although thanks to the intel you've been sending back to us, we've been running a lot more efficiently. Even on a day like today I don't feel much use. I'm sure I could be much more helpful on a war ship right now."

"Well, yeah, that's fine. I don't mind. I'm sure Chakwas will be happy for the assistance."

"Oh good. I'll get my supplies."

"Alright, you know where we're docked."

"Oh... one second, Commander," she hesitated.

"Mmm?"

"Tell me... is Garrus still with the Normandy?"

"Um... yeah, sure is."

"Oh excellent. I look forward to seeing him again. I must admit, I missed his visits to my clinic on the wards after he joined your team." She let out what could only be described as a giggle. "Even now, remembering some of his jokes still tickles me."

"Mmmm... he's a real hoot. So anyway, we're docked for the night, security lock. Feel free to go over whenever."

"Oh... Yes. See you later on Commander. Thank you for this opportunity."

Shepard nodded, and proceeded down the wailed filled corridor. She took in a deep breath, and entered the small hospital room. She was taken back by the sight of her old team-mate, not because he looked in a bad way, but because he didn't. He looked as fit and healthy, as when she'd first recruited him. To look at him, you would never think...

"Commander, Shepard," the younger drell in the room greeted.

"Kolyat," she startled, "Sorry, I didn't see you. I'll come back later."

"No, my father wishes you here," he said quietly, head bowed. "There... won't be a later."

Thane let out a few pain filled coughs, before able to relay his words. "Yes, Shepard. A moment of your time would be appreciated," he joked.

She faked a smile, and walked to his bedside. His coughing delayed conversation. Shepard was not use to seeing people this way. The feelings reminded her of re-uniting with Garrus. Him, coughing, and gurgling on the floor, having taken a rocket to the face. Her telling him to hold on, waiting anxiously on the Normandy, until he walked to her. This was different. She couldn't tell Thane to hold on, he would not be walking away from this.

"The Councillors are safe, Thane," she assured. "They have you to thank for that."

"That makes me glad," he uttered.

"Where is the man who did this to my father?" Koylat, asked angrily.

"He... got away," Shepard said. "I'm sorry, but believe me Thane, we will find him, and when we do-"

"No," he coughed. "I do not wish to be avenged. Take lives as necessary, do not seek them out. Koylat, my desire is for you to keep up your lessons with the priests."

"I know Father...I intend to," he smiled. "I have a prayer I would like to read to you."

"That would please me greatly," he said.

As Koylat recited the prayer, Shepard watched Thane struggling with his last few breaths. It was wrong, just so very wrong. Men, and women die in service regularly, and it is always, always tragic, but Thane had given it up. He'd wished to spend his remaining time in peace, with his son. A man had taken that from him, taken the very little he had left. Rage filled Shepard, like it hadn't in a long time.

"He's... gone," Koylat whispered.

Shepard lowered her face, "Goodbye... Thane."

"Commander... Are you going to try and find the assassin?" Koylat asked.

"I... know it's not something your father would want you involved with, Koylat." she said. "He wanted peace for you."

He nodded. "I don't plan on seeking him out. I will respect my father's wishes. I'm asking if _you_ are going to find the man?"

Shepard glanced back to her former team mate, and recalled the visits she would make to the life support room. He was one of the most listenable persons she'd ever come across. Hours would go by, before she'd even noticed. He would discuss his memories, his values, Koylat. He thought about things, the deeper things. Something that didn't come naturally for Shepard, but she loved listening, thought he was pretty damn remarkable. His physical abilities were equally as impressive. He'd saved her life many times, and she his, though not this time...

The Spectre swallowed back tears, the pain in her throat mocking her of her humanity.

"Commander?" Koylat spoke.

"We'll find him," she assured, managing to keep her tone straight. "Believe that."

He nodded, and seeing his eyes water up, Shepard discerned it was time to leave, she went to touch Thane's shoulder, but didn't think she could hold it together to do so. She gave Koylat a nod, and left, charging down the corridor, needing to get out. All the screams she'd by now numbed herself to, hitting her hard. So much pain, so much death, and so _so_ much more to come, if thing's were not handled... perfectly.

_Keep it together. _

She made a retreat to the rest-room spotting Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani arrive in the elevator across the corridor. Here to make profit on the days tragedy no doubt. Shepard was in no right mind to have her words or actions recorded for the Galaxy to see right now. They needed faith. Faith they were following something much more than human. They weren't of course, but they didn't need to know that.

She locked the rest-room door, and leant herself over a sink, looking to the mirror in front. What is it about looking to your reflection when you're on the edge of losing it? Almost willing yourself to tell you what your suppose to do. She took sight of the dried blood on her arm, rinsed it under the hot tap, watched the redness drain away. There was a sickening soothing about it. Just washing away ones sign of injury. Marks will almost always heal, and you'll never think of it again. Whatever happened that day, your body no longer cares about. If only the mind was so easily forgiving. She knew she'd carry Thane's death, as she would with Ashley's and Mordin's, for the rest of her life. It wouldn't always hurt this bad, sure, but there'd be a prick now and again. Whenever she met a drell, whenever she saw a krogan child, whenever she recruited a new gunnery chief. Perhaps that's how it should be. Forget the cost, and you'll soon find yourself squandering the outcome.

The woman took a deep breath, and straightened up. The tears beneath her eyes had disappeared now, gone back inside with the rest of her undealt sorrow. She knew, of course, it would all come out and bite her in the ass one day, but hopefully that day would hold off until after this war.

Thane deserved better, and she swore she would find the man responsible, but for now, she was going to:

Pick herself up

Dust herself off

And go get sloshed as hell.


End file.
